Posted at 1:55 pm by Colbytallen, on January 3, 2018
Within the last few weeks I stumbled upon a very short video of a TEDx talk that was titled “Keep your goals to yourself.” With theatrical confidence, the speaker delivered the results of a study that revealed some confusing evidence.
In a series of experiments, groups of people was asked to write down a personal goal. Half of the group announced their goal out loud to the group, and the other half kept the goal to themselves. After this everyone was given 45 minutes to work on their goal, with the term they could stop working at any time.
Interestingly. Those who did not share with the group on average worked the entire 45 minutes, and when asked said they still needed a lot of work to complete their goal. Those who did share with the group stopped working 33 minutes and expressed they felt much closer to achieving their goal.
There are a couple ways to look at this, but he does frame the beginning of the session on other research done by psychologists on social acceptance. That when we share something with another person and they respond positively, there is a feeling of satisfaction similar to completing the task, which in majority of cases led to the goal never actually reaching resolution.
Now everyone is different, but it may be a reasonable assumption to say that most people are not intense spectrum type A personality with abnormal motivation skills. Persons who are driven have an easier time maintaining the connection for motivators with results, whereas so many others live with a “good enough” cruising speed.
Resolutions are goals, and for some weird reason we tend to frame them in time parameters. There are items we even push back because we want to start the new year with a bang. We resolve that to start resolutions it has to be on a certain date.
Going into January of 2017 I had a list of things to accomplish.
Eliminate large amounts debt.
Write a book.
Start a business, or two.
Woo a shawty.
Upgrades on my home.
Lose 10-15 lbs and be more athletic.
Obtain a professional designation (career advancement).
I hired a financial coach, gained a business partner, chose two accountability people for life items, etc. Main item announcing complete transparency in my entire life. I shared a lot, and never shied away from questions when people asked.
It felt great. So many people offered support, positive encouragement, good advice.
Guess what? None of it happened to the degree that was intended.
I worked a second job for two and a half months, then stopped because it was exhausting.
There are incomplete outlines for two book ideas saved on my desktop.
My online stores were a flop, and I’m officially no longer retailing products.
Spencer doesn’t have instagram, and the clock is ticking.
The carport still leaks, and the paint is still faded.
Double dark chocolate Milano cookies are good.
Failed a designation exam, and let that lack of motivation sit for a while.
The resolutions I wrote down were not accomplished in their entirety. Yet I will be grateful for progress:
Paid off about $12,000 in debt within twelve months. Nearly 30% paid off, which is a little better than zero.
The book ideas compliment long terms goals that I wouldn’t accomplish overnight.
I’ve learned a lot about e-commerce and small business in general. So even though these didn’t work out, I’ve got other ideas that are being developed using the experience I’ve learned from failure.
Stopped giving my attention to someone who wasn’t reciprocating. So now I’m going on dates with reckless abandon. Refreshing my memory on Usher and T-Pain lyrics. Re-memorizing musicals. Developing my playa skillz . . . or using my existing playa skillz.
It’s freaking expensive to do major home updates. Getting rid of the negative balance is a little more important than fresh paint.
I did lose some weight, even while stocking up on Milanos.
Re-engaged to pass one exam, and have two more scheduled for the next couple months.
All this to say yes, set goals and resolutions to accomplish . . . but don’t kick yourself that it wasn’t scratched off your list before a certain date. Self improvement comes in phases that don’t always agree with one another. The main point is don’t stop.
Remember the word resolution has two meanings:
A firm decision to do or not do something.
The action of solving a problem.
Don’t know about you, but neither one of those explicitly translates for me to say “A to-do list item that you wrote yourself, and you have to feel guilty because you told everyone you would do it before the calendar added another digit to the year and didn’t.” A wordy way to say, keep on keeping on.
Going back go the opening statements regarding the video. This year is gonna be a little different. A professional poker player I follow posts lifestyle vlogs, and he shares development tips frequently. One main point he always mentions is the distinction between setting goals and having intentions. Most of the time when he plays tournaments, or develops challenges . . . he chooses to frame intentions rather than goals in order to minimize the shame factors associated with not reaching them. Sometimes it’s better to focus on progress earned, not progress not earned.
Reminds me of Peter from Dodgeball . . .
So yeah, right now I’m ok with a slightly fast cruise. Several intentions for this year will be just that, intentions. Keep on keeping on.
“Accept the challenges so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory.” General George S. Patton, Jr.
Posted at 6:51 pm by Colbytallen, on December 14, 2017
Pulling the strap as tight as it would go wasn’t that challenging. A backpack full of clothes and a camera wasn’t heavy, so securing it to the rack was easy, too easy.
After anticipation had built up for months it was finally time, the road trip was here. It was a weird feeling, however. No nerves, no jitters, not even adrenaline was coursing. The weeks leading up to it was full of mental and physical prep. So what may have seemed like an impossible or stupid task to some, was deemed routine by my psyche. At this point the only thing left to do was leave . . . and leave I did.
For a while I’ve had a restlessness that wouldn’t subside. The “bucket list” pine had been growing with an ache that just wouldn’t quiet, and the logical solution was simply to quench a desire for adventure without cause. What better way to claim autonomy than to get on a motorcycle for two weeks with only a few goals in mind? No to do list, no promises, no one to answer to.
Rolling through Baton Rouge before the sun was up is an experience I haven’t felt in a long time. It was a slightly chilled morning, and it wasn’t until turning north on I-55 that the warmth of the sun began to come. In that is when the seconds started to feel like minutes, minutes felt like hours. You don’t realize when driving a car how much is available to distract you from the road. Either through phone calls or texts, easily choosing music, talking with others in the vehicle. What may seem like a long trip can pass by quick when you are able to give fractions of your attention to other tasks.
You can’ do this on a motorcycle. True focus is required in nearly every moment you operate the vehicle. Yeah the helmets now have blue tooth connection so you can listen to music while you ride, but you have to have eyes on the road constantly.
The first stretch was invigorating, but after arriving at the first welcome center in Mississippi I was ready for a break, and unfortunately had only just begun.
Fast forward. The first day was brutal. Chicago was the goal destination in one trip . . . and it didn’t happen.
Leaving New Roads at 5:30am wasn’t difficult, but once 7:30pm rolled around (ha, rolled) signs for Effingham, IL came in to view. That whole day the longest break taken included only 20 minutes at a McDonald’s in southern Illinois. Other than that? Pull over, get gas, drink some water, snack on part of a protein bar, empty the bladder, hit the road. Total time on the bike was over 12 hours . . . by the end of the day, my body was in pain.
Once I settled into the cheap motel, started checking the weather to make sure I was ahead of the bands of rain. Forecasts said the rain would hit the town about 8am, perfect. Up early and it would be easy to be out of town before the rain came . . . and it didn’t happen. Change in the winds brought the rain in town by 3am. So again, goal not achieved. My destination of Fond Du Lac, WI was less than 6 hours away, but arrival time was being pushed farther and farther.
Finding shelter from the rain on the back porch of Crossroads Baptist Church.
Lone wolf. That was the theme of this trip. Up until this point I was in a rush to get where I wanted to go, but a phone call from a dear friend reminded me “You don’t owe anyone anything right now, just do what you want to do and enjoy the ride.” From that second forward, is exactly what happened.
Cruising at 60 with one hand on the throttle and one on the hip, cars passing by, was a life changer. Instead of bouncing eyes back and forth from the road to the speedo, taking in the landscape and it slowly panned by was refreshing. Autonomy took over, which was the point of doing this trip anyway.
Don’t tell me what to do.
See people, see places. Those were the only two line items on this trip. Though it was arduous, item one received a check mark on day two.
See, one motivation that pushed me to take this trip was a need for freedom. Prove to myself that I’m not chained to a 9 to 5, or my life was only purposeful by responding to someone else’s needs. Working for the last year in order to reclaim my personal wealth has been taxing, to the point that every decision being made, every effort being exerted, was not for me . . . but to give something to someone else.
It’s miserable.
The analogy of chains.
Laboring for 10+ hours a day only to pay bills and pay someone else is dehumanizing. For the first 3 months of this year I felt like a robot. Wake up at 5am, go to work, get off, go to work, get home at 11pm.
However. I dug this hole, and it is my responsibility to fill it back to the brim. Full accountability and ownership of that fact. I just needed a breath.
Into the Wild. Have you read the book? Or seen the movie? The story of a young man abandoning everything he had to find meaning is an idea that so many of us slyly long. He just leaves, alone.
The whole time he is on the road, or in the canyons, or down the river, he is alone. Everyone he has an intimate encounter with diverts their affection to him. Why not? His libertine spirit is attractive. Who wants to be bound to a job? Or other’s expectations on how your life should chart?
However one factor you also notice is that no matter how many people’s lives he enters and enriches, he is still alone. They ask and he diverts. He offers but does not receive. Though he is generous with his labor and time for so many, he is the most selfish person in the story.
Of all the beautiful landscapes he saw, the unique people he encountered, the personal development he retained. It was all in vain.
So often we equate happiness with autonomy. “Don’t tell me what to do.” has become the mantra of our day. However the main component of being able to live by this command requires solitude. To have no expectation requires no communion with another person.
The interesting turn comes in his moment of despair. Of all the awe inspiring scenery in the story, the one that moved my heart is what he wrote in the margin of a book “HAPPINESS IS ONLY REAL WHEN SHARED.”
There were a few objectives to this trip that I wanted to achieve, but as the days passed only one aspect gave me more energy. Communing with other persons.
Whether it was from visiting with best friends, old friends, or even strangers, sharing this trip with other people solidify the memories. Between planned meet-ups and telling the clerk at the gas station a guy was dispensing fuel on the ground, looking into the eyes of another person is a stronger connection than can ever be experienced from the beauty of external scenes.
Sipping wine.
Watching fountains.
Catching sunsets.
Don’t compare with these.
Dinner with old friends.
Legos with cousins.
Dinner with dear friends.
There was, and still is a lot of negativity in my life about having a motorcycle. So much that it severely burdened my first day on the road and distracted me for several days. But there were also countless conversations with strangers that are pondered in my heart.
The guy who stopped me at McDonald’s to tell me about the race bike he built.
The girl I met from DeRidder in Kentucky, who wasn’t insulted when I guessed she was from East TX (I.E. SWLA).
The older couple who tours on their cruiser, and gave me tips for long trips.
The air-bnb host who flirted with me, asked for a ride, but was too attached to her dog to join me for dinner.
Ms. Grace who was in her 80’s but wanted to trade her brand new car for my bike.
13 Days. 10 States. 43 Hours Seat Time. $98.05 of Fuel. 40 Gallons of Gas. 2,603 Miles. 16,770,000 revolutions of the motor.
That’s what it took for me to run away in order to come back.
Loosening those straps were a lot harder than putting them on.
Posted at 11:30 pm by Colbytallen, on April 24, 2017
There are a few reasons I haven’t posted on this site in a while, which one is the reason for this post. The following content is a little candid about a topic, so be prepped to learn a thing or two about me you may not know. Full disclosure, I’ve written and re-written this article four times. Hopefully this one sticks.
If you knew me in my late teens – early twenties, this was my life goal. When people would ask me “what is your dream job/career?” My response was always “To not need one.” Even ask my financial advisor. I’ve always had to goal to “retire” by my mid 40s through either rental properties or passive income investments.
I’ve written a few articles that mention my reason for buying my first home at 23. With the goal of building equity through rent until the next phase in my life, ideally building wealth for future family security.
Some time in October I started researching new podcasts to listen to at work. One niche that caught my interest was a group that spoke on Financial Independence. This movement is a collection of people who speak strategy on how to retire early, or reach financial independence so you aren’t chained to a 9-5. Of course this caught my attention because of my prior desires.
With the awakening of this new energy, I decided to do a status check on my current net worth. Almost five years of home ownership, a good job, and no crippling debt, I felt that I was in a good position. Nothing major like student loans or a brand new car, but I’ve juggled some debt for a couple years. I’ve made budgets, knowing I wasn’t the best at keeping them, but at least I’ve made budgets. So it couldn’t be that bad right?
Once everything was totaled, tallied up the asset and liability columns . . . I was worth nothing.
All the equity in my home, all the value in my retirement accounts, and the miscellaneous items owned that I could liquidate if needed . . . were overshadowed by my negligent spending. Even with no major debts other than my mortgage, I had some how amassed about $40,000 in total debt.
Without paying attention, all the “prudent” decisions I made were being swallowed up by imprudence in other ways. Over the years I had lost connection to my financial decisions and their motivators, it slipped my sight.
How did this happen? Not from one swift blow, but death by a thousand cuts. Small portions of over spending in several different places, justifying “I’ll pay it off later.” over and over again had gotten out of hand.
The humbling thing about it is that a lot of people know me as a finance guy, and ask my advice on life decisions involving money. Heck even part of my job is keeping expenses in check for our associates. Yet I have not been doing it myself. After some counsel from close friends and family . . . something had to change . . . SOMEONE had to change.
Several key moments were nails in the coffin to the death of self and reviving sacrifice.
First – our company had a round of layoffs. Eight spots were dissolved right around the time I started taking this issue serious. Certainly a wake up call to the risk I was exposed. If I would have lost my job, would I be able to pay my bills before finding another?
Second – during some personal reflection. While going through a litany of mercy, there was one petition that slapped me and caused me to pause.
“For living beyond my means . . . Lord have mercy.” The term “irresponsible” is not quite the same gravity as something that requires mercy. Inward groans transitioned to welled tears as the hypocrisy of my financial choices became real.
I’ve written articles, prideful, on making prudent decisions and trying not to be mediocre. Yet through my own fault and negligence, that pride is current vane.
Few things make tears fall from a man’s eyes, and for me that was one of them. Though I never intentionally lied or deceived anyone, there were parts of my life that were a sham. For living a façade of doing better than others, I ask for your forgiveness.
Naturally not wanting to be a phony, I developed action plans to get rid of debt and actually thrive as the Lord intended. Not in effort to live a health and wealth gospel, but to be a good steward for the blessings that have been given to me.
Immediately the following steps were taken:
Accountability – I hired a personal finance coach to call me out on my “thousand cuts” B.S.
Revising my budget and sticking to it. To the point of even canceling my home internet. Right now I’m sitting at the library typing this up!
Worked a second job for a few months, to get a jump start.
I was amazed at how just paying attention and a little effort could be so effective. In just three months I’ve been able to cash flow a few real expenses and pay off about $5,000 of debt. No where near the finish line, but walking towards a goal one step at a time feels great.
My real time goal is to be consumer debt free before the end of this year, and then tackle a personal loan within next year. Two years seems like a long time, but when I’ve been bouncing some of this around for five, with a minimum schedule of another 5 years . . . two years of intense personal sacrifice is a cake walk.
This is one reason I’ve taken a break from writing over the last few months. It was quite a challenge to work 70+ hours a week and even sleep much less pull out my computer and type for an hour.
Don’t worry, I’m not in any major trouble. I’m not asking for more accountability. Just finally getting a handle on something that shouldn’t have gotten this bad. Being in debt is normal, unfortunately. In my research I’ve found this is such a common issue because personal finances tend to be a hush-hush subject. So transparency and candidness is necessary for growth.
“If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness.” II Corinthians 11:30
It doesn’t make much sense to be normal and keep the subheading of this site?
“Musings on excellence in a world of mediocrity.”
In this aspect of life, I’ve decided to no longer be mediocre. It doesn’t make sense to try and keep up with the Joneses when I don’t even have close friends whose last name is Jones.
From the countless times I’ve told young people “Saying no to something now is saying yes to something greater.” This is now my morning mantra to myself in the mirror every day.
“ . . . the borrower is slave to the lender.” Proverbs 22:7
(A visual reminder of Christ holding the chain of my debt. As increment amounts are paid, the link is broken off.)
What does this mean for the site? Most likely my posts in the near future will include topics from my journey. Climbing the mountain of freedom from debt (rapidly) and the journey to financial independence. With still the occasional posts including other stuff too. 😉 Interested? Feel free to subscribe.
Thanks for reading, and I’d be more than happy to have a personal conversation with anyone who is interested.
Posted at 11:05 pm by Colbytallen, on March 30, 2017
The last several months of my life have been very intense and boring at the same time. How is this possible? More to come!
Several key life style decisions have helped me to put some key goals into perspective. So what does that mean for the site? Here is the extremely short version.
I’ve semi-shifted into entrepreneur mode, and this blog is one of my resources to help build what I desire to accomplish. After reviewing my several writing outlets, I’ve been able to determine that there is enough readership to focus more time and be able to monetize my explications.
Offer my 2 cents to gain more? Hope so. Does this mean I’ll be using you to achieve my own personal gain? Yeah. For a while I was very skeptical of the “make money from the internet” preachers, BUT after some ingenuity and feedback from trusted people – I’ve got a few ideas that I feel may be original and hope to offer that value to any one who is willing to consume the content.
In the next few weeks I’ll be putting more energy into building this site (while still utilizing others) to focus more on writing. People tell my my articles are good, so I’ll be gullible and believe you.
Look forward to new and hopefully exciting content that will both initiate thought provoking conversation and enrich (or antagonize) your life! 🙂
Be sure to subscribe if you want to receive content in your inbox. Also like and follow my new public facebook page.
Posted at 3:09 am by Colbytallen, on October 17, 2016
This one will be short, however a brief point that no one seems to understand or discern. In the wake of the election, also the endless shouting and accusations of intolerance through media postings, I’m hoping this point awakens in people the insight necessary for argumentation.
Being a critic does not make you right, it makes you a critic.
Alienating yourself from those who are different does not make you righteous.
The public discourse within the United States no longer includes logic or empathy, but a mere might and emotion makes right mode of mentality.
A scene from the movie Thank you for Smoking.
What does this show us? Exactly what the problem is with public discourse. No one is willing to propose an idea or method. Instead, the more attractive and self-fulfilling method is to critique or reduce someone else’s ideas.
Tearing someone else down does not make you higher, you haven’t done anything to step up, only step on someone else.
Again, being a critic doesn’t make you right, it makes you a critic. You are not proposing or affirming a truth by exploiting another person’s flaw. It does not inherently make you a better person for publically attempting to shame someone else.
When the crowd gathered around the woman to stone her for adultery, they gathered around in order to impute judgment for her sins. Paraphrasing what may have been shouted at her that day “you are wrong and this is why!” would be no different than the petty accusations that fly on media forums in order to disprove someone else’s point.
What was Christ’s response translated? Let he who is without fault be the first critic.
Again, you are not making a point by discrediting someone else’s.
Fr. Giussani speaking of Italian young adults decades back: “In that particular environment, I believe there was a tendency to spur young people to use reason in the form of criticism. What was lacking, however, was a sufficiently strong community that could sustain this need for a critical approach and act as a reality check.” The Risk of Education p.45
Yes, a spiritual work of mercy is to instruct the ignorant. However if there is no basis of relationship, or no foundation of tradition for which to hold, criticism only serves as a vessel of divisiveness.
“Only where there are disciples can there be geniuses, because it is only by listening and understanding first that we can hope to achieve maturity, and in turn make judgments, criticize, and even reject the received knowledge that first sustained us.” The Risk of Education p. 53
This is the way our current presidential candidates jab one another, every facebook discussion, the sterilized media methods of commenting on an incident separate from opposing opinion. Discrediting someone’s input in a debate because you deem them less experienced, therefore not worthy of discussion.
It’s all ego. And pointing out un-truth does not give you power over the truth.
It’s quite the paradox that we all “understand” that we are imperfect, yet slap the book on someone when their imperfections can be the fuel to inflame your ego.
The Socratic method of argumentation is much more effective in persuasion than the unfettered skepticism that has become popular. As the book continues, Fr. Giussani goes on to explain that criticism and skepticism are necessary if they are used in the process of verification.
Verifying that which we know to be true in order to solidify actual truth, or be able to walk away from something lesser.
A paradox is the subjective experience of one person is the target of destruction. Subjectivity many times is seen as a negative, because it is always lacking. Yet when you read what Fr. Giussani means, being subjective to something is necessary for maturity. It is in placing ourselves under wisdom that we learn and grow.
It is no coincidence that the word mercy and womb have the same etymological roots. A space for a person to grow into maturity.
If you are critiquing with the goal of un-verifying someone else’s experience without being able to verify your own . . . again, you aren’t a hero, you’re just a critic.
In the spirit of not doing what this article seeks to bring to light:
Many times when I’ve found myself at odds with someone, it’s been more fruitful to ask questions that can guide the conversation. Not in pure manipulation, more in asking questions that frame the conversation in measuring their experience to mine.
So I propose next time you encounter a frictional circumstance, don’t simply wag your finger in their face in admonishment, ask questions that get to the motive of the other person.
Engaging a person with the mode to change them will yield no fruit. But when you tap into the deepest desire of every human heart . . . to know and be known . . . that is where judgment and criticism can be welcome in order to seek verification, truth.
If you have 18 minutes, listen to this presentation, and have tissues near by.
If you don’t have that time now, the main point is that people don’t care what you know until they know that you care. Change occurs when people realize the truth and seek to amend their life in order to live that truth. The virtues that move man are truth, goodness, and beauty. If you want to move a man don’t simply point at the ways these are lacking in his life, inspire him to see the ways he can have these virtues in his life.
So as the old adage goes: Before you judge (criticize) someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you do it, you’re a mile away . . . and you have their shoes.
Posted at 3:03 am by Colbytallen, on September 23, 2016
BEFORE READING ON: I am a full supporter and proponent of family life. Currently I’m researching and building a study on St. John Paul the II’s personalism, family life, and economic theory. That being said . . . continue.
You will probably have conclusions that would deem me to be sexist, misogynist, against women’s equality, etc. etc. Form your opinion, but I will propose that these following points are from the prospective of economics, history, and observational study. (it’s a little long, so hope you have a few minutes).
This one will probably get me some ill feelings from a lot of people, but there doesn’t seem to be many voices that are challenging the push for more liberal policies in the U.S. on paid maternity/paternity leave.
It was sparked by the now viral video “Dads and moms deserve more time off with their kids.” Which only gives the reasons that other countries do it and are happy, and it’s better for the kids because they end up smarter.
These videos push my buttons because there is WAY more to the conversation than 2 minutes of points with an agenda. (my immediate critique of this is 1. Other countries utilize very different economic systems. 2. Since the advent of women in the job market and leaving the home after WW1 & WW2, school systems have been on negative trajectory.)
Sooo here are a few challenges:
Employment is a contract – the general steps are:
You apply for the job.
You are interviewed for the position.
Should you fit the bill, you are offered the position.
You have the decision to accept or decline the position . . . and the terms that are tied to that offering.
Several notable motivating career consultants/speakers/coaches all point out that if you are unhappy with you job, there is a chance that you haven’t negotiated with your employer more favorable terms. A lot of people say “you can’t reason with greedy capitalist owners, it’s all about profit in their pocket.” Well I would propose many times this is not the case, and you won’t receive something if you don’t ask for it.
Example – I’ve negotiated several raises at my current job that would not have been offered. Because I had the evidence to support my requests, my managers have listened and even granted my requests for more favorable employment terms.
The opposite side of the coin – if a job does not offer the employment terms that you do not find favorable . . . you don’t have to work there. That is the beauty of a right to work environment. Many people say “well we don’t have leverage when it comes to jobs, so you have to take what you can get. Especially in today’s economy.” Which leads to the next point.
The job market is a market . . . just like any other market.
When you go shopping, what are the criteria you consider?
The proximity of the store to your home. The quality of the produce. What items they keep in stock. Their reputation for prices. The friendliness of the staff. . . . etc.
There are multiple factors that influence how you shop. Then you step into the aisle to choose the product you’re looking to buy . . . but what is the main influencer of what items are on the shelf? The items that you are looking to buy . . . because plain and simple, if they aren’t offering what you want . . . you ain’t buyin.
This is simple supply and demand. Businesses offer what will attract consumers to consume. So if there is a demand for it, entrepreneurs will seek to offer and meet the demand with supply. The reason the problem perpetuates is because people (the consumers) continually buy the product that employers are offering because the risk of not having a job seems greater . . . so people are willing to sacrifice certain freedoms in order to mitigate risks in other ways. I.E. it’s better to have an unfavorable job than no job.
We want less risks but more benefit, and as someone who studies risks. . . that’s usually not how it works.
Applying simple supply and demand theory . . . it would be more effective for a majority of the market to refuse their labor services to employers in order to leverage the terms they desire. If the employer can’t hire anyone, his business can’t be productive. This is why in history workers go on strike . . . the employees leverage “you need us, give us what we want or we won’t give you what you need.”
Regardless of what you say, the theory works . . . and yes, it is that simple.
Disregard for agrarian model and traditional gender roles is the root of the problem. Our labor market is antiquated.
Before reading . . . proceed with objective glasses and participate in the conversation.
One reason the U.S. job market is in it’s current state is we are an evolved agrarian society that really hasn’t evolved.
The two income household is a relatively young concept. Different conversation topic, but young people today bring the single lifestyle expense habits into marriage. Both with student debt, have to have a nice car, the nice house, a nice vacation every year. It’s a high expense for two young people to live together today. This is a lifestyle and personal budgeting issue, but relates to what we are discussing.
Go back 40+ years. Visualize the old television shows that displayed the husband coming home from work, the children arriving from school, and the wife has dinner ready on the table.
Other than a few industries, prior to the world wars the family model was the husband worked, the wife/mother stayed at home. It wasn’t until a significant number of men left the labor market either by being over seas, or returning disabled, or not returning at all. (Peace and solemn respect for all who have sacrificed in this way). This is when women really entered the job market, hence the image “Rosie the Riveter.”
The nature of the labor market back in the day was industrial, which to be very frank, required the strength of men. Even today the push for “women’s equality” in the workplace is mainly targeted in white collar industries. How many equality lawsuits do you hear of a woman suing because she was discriminated against being employed for a waste management company? Or in a mine? Few and far between compared to white collar jobs.
(you can pull out your sexist/misogynist labelers now)
The paradox/idiom that has reared it’s ugly head is the push for women’s equality in the work place. Women want the respect and benefits of masculine preference when it comes to labor . . . yet are now up in arms when they are not given feminine favor in a masculine job market.
For a modern U.S. society that prides itself on autonomy and shouting “YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO.” Those same people are pretty quick to tell others what they should be doing . . . hmmmm
The phenomenal advances in technology have changed our economics miraculously. During industrial times it was common for a man to manually labor for 50-60 hours per week. What has technology done? Essentially made amounting wealth so easy . . . you can do it by being lazy.
I explained to a friend the other day that one time at work I had a revelation moment. Part of my job is after an agency acquisition, I contact the partner companies to update their information to ours. Without going into detail . . . my objective is to change the direction of cash flow from one company to another in a span of 6 months.
Visualize this: My company gains millions of dollars simply from the actions of me making phone calls and sending emails . . . sitting in a cozy tempur pedic office chair.
Go back before 1975 and tell someone that . . . they would probably think you have magic powers.
Our economics is based on the principle of production. This is (economically) an industrial term. You produce something because someone is willing to consume it. Factories produce cars because people are willing to buy them, farms produce food (or produce 😉 ) because people desire to consume it. So this would deduce to show that an employee’s worth to the company is their productivity.
This goes back to the first point of employment being contractual – In exchange for your productivity, your employer compensates you with what you agree to be compensated based on the employment terms. Most commonly wages, but can also include other forms of compensation – paid vacation time, health insurance, pension/retirement, paid family leave, etc. . By accepting that job, you agree to labor by the terms – or your employer will terminate you because you violated the terms. Simple enough. You aren’t working to the productivity standard set forth in your employment agreement . . . you will quickly find yourself no longer employed there. Which brings us to the next point.
It is inequitable to the business to compensate an employee at a rate higher than their productivity. Ipso facto . . . if you did, you wouldn’t be in business very long.
People are going to say “well big businesses can afford it, so they can sacrifice their big profits to be more family friendly.” While they can, it does not mean that they must.
Look at it this way. You are a business owner going through the interview process outlined in point #1. You really like the person, they are a great candidate, everything fits the bill. You get to the compensation part of the conversation and they tell you that “I want 100% of the salary, but I only want to offer you 75% of the productivity you are looking for. If you can pay me for working all 5 days of the week, but I’ll only be here for 3.5, that would be great. How does that sound?”
You start crunching the numbers. (regardless of what anti-capitalism hounds think, some public opinions think businesses make on average 36% profit margins) Depending upon in the industry margins can range anywhere, on average I would say between 6% and 22% based on a 2012 study. click here for the source of these stats. So from that, at best with this candidate you would break even. Which would reduce the amount you could pay other employees’ obligations, or reinvest in the company to grow a division and create more jobs. Or as most popular liberal opinion . . . pay yourself a nice fat dividend check at the end of the year to buy your 5th home on the beach front.
Your next interview goes equally as well, yet the person is enthusiastic about showing up and giving their all 5 days a week. Complete unbiased and objective decision for the health of the company . . . which one do you hire?
This is equivalent to the modern push for 12 weeks of maternity/paternity leave. You receive a wage and benefits for 52 weeks worth of labor, yet are only present and productive to the company for 40. 23% of the time, you aren’t contributing.
Point being – inequitable productivity is a real factor that most people don’t include in the conversation. You don’t produce, you don’t get paid.
“Well the employer doesn’t have to directly pay for it, It’s covered by a government program or an insurance company!” Which is also paid from taxes or insurance premiums paid by the business . . . soooo either way, they are still subsidizing someone else’s non-productivity.
Don’t agree with these observations? Or want a way to address the problem? We live in an entrepreneurial economy. Instead of demanding someone else to give what you want, capitalize on the demand of people who want a job that offers these benefits. Start your own business and offer these benefits to those in the job market looking to receive them.
. . . it is that simple.
IN CONCLUSION:
Though I hold in very high regard some antiquated views, I will not simply be the critic who only points at what is wrong. Critics aren’t heroes, they are only critics. Tearing down someone else doesn’t make you higher than them, it just makes them see they are lower than they think they were. (hopefully, but most likely you’ll be a bigot who needs to just shut up and let them have their safe space.)
I am full proponent of the family and subsidiarity principles. My current research project is developing a practicum/curriculum for a modern interpretation of how economics can respect the dignity of the person and family. Look for this project to be public by the end of the year or early 2017.
Simply put, everyone will agree in some way that our modern system is not friendly to the family (also neither is the mindset of the society itself friendly to the family . . . but those are in no way related . . . cough cough).
However I will propose that aggressively demanding certain rights or privileges from someone else will not change the situation. We need to study history and examine the causal factors that have consequently lead us to this point. Oh but wait . . . we don’t believe in accepting consequences either . . . so that approach is pointless also.
Sardonicism aside . . . we need to consider the principles and laws of the many disciplines that affect our life (family, economics, politics, etc.) and develop a system that is harmonious. With the constant noise of a society that screams for androgyny and lack of defining anything, why are we surprised when there is lack of privilege? Oh wait . . . privilege requires something to be distinct . . . which we are also suppose to no longer desire . . . and need to “check.”
This is meant to be a conversation . . . feel free to reach out and let’s discuss.
Posted at 12:21 am by Colbytallen, on September 13, 2016
After encouragement from friends and some research, I decided to give it a run and use a few websites to meet new women for dates. A few people I know have met their significant other VIA networking websites, so I trust it works and is not just for creepers.
Before diving into it, this article is very short and simplified. Plenty of conversation can be had pro and con for dating sites, this is simply a brief sharing of my experiences.
There are some social stigmas that are attached, typically people are seen as only joining because they are unable to procure dates within their area, or have social issues relating to people and use distance/digital as a personal filter. Regardless of the stigmas, there are several positives and I figured it was worth a shot. Also having been on several dates within the last few months, I sought to use this as a way to meet people that are not in my normal circle of friends.
After having active memberships on several of the notable sites, here are a few negative points about my experience using these services, and why I will not renew any memberships once they expire:
It’s a business that’s all about the money.
They all advertise join for free, but once you join you can’t communicate unless you cough up the cash. As a person in business I understand they exist to make money, but it gets to the point of being obnoxious.
Once you sign up you immediately get bombarded with the BECOME A SUBSCRIBER TODAY screens and emails to unlock all the features. Normally with a new member discount offer, the longer membership you buy the less it cost per month. Never fails that they are auto-renew subscriptions, which means if you forget they will automatically charge you for extending the membership instead of asking if you want to continue.
You are constantly sent offers to sign up at 50% of normal rate, then the next day the email states 60% off. It never ends until you whip out the plastic.
Lack of transparency leads to continual frustration . . . again all about the money.
So once you sign up for your profile, buy your 6 month membership, it’s time to start mingling. Most profiles only have one photo and N/A for nearly every question (which usually indicates someone registered but doesn’t take it serious, they just wanted to check out other people). You get your one or several “matches” per day where you get to review their profile. Scrolling through the endless pictures of dogs you finally get to photos of them . . . with friends . . . and you start to ask “who is it?”
Once you run across someone that you scroll through their pics you can identify, more than once, you decide to send them a wink or smile or take their bagel, or whatever quirky flirtation the site utilizes. Then you wait . . . but what are you waiting for? You don’t know. Because you can’t tell if they think you are not worth it and ignoring you, or if they are not a paying member and will now be bombarded with SUBSCRIBE NOW TO GET YOUR MESSAGES emails from the icebreaker questions you sent them.
Side note – as of today 9/12/16 I currently have 10 sent messages pending a response on eharmony, several nearly a month long. Ignoring or can’t respond because they aren’t full members? I’ll never know. I’m no James Franco . . . but also not living with my parents and “D&D Dungeon Master” shown as my career . . .
This point in particular is what tipped me over. After getting into an email battle with a highly notable site (cough cough . . . catholicmatchless). After realizing this could happen, emailed customer service to confirm or see if this was the case. They said yes it’s possible, so I sought to cancel my membership because I didn’t want to pay for a service that is not reciprocated .I.E. sending messages to a wall that can only come down if someone pays for it. They don’t offer a refund, so I even pulled out the terms of service that a refund can be requested and reviewed by customer service . . . it was declined and they offered a voucher to return for a few months at no additional cost . . . you mean give me what I already paid for? Thanks no thanks.
Commercialization of people is never a good thing.
Using it at a networking site does not make it a bad means to a good end, but a few points to consider may help put some perspective on how to properly navigate.
A tip that I’ve received several times is “not getting responses? Dating is a numbers game, the more you put out there the better chance of getting a response.”
Um, NO. People should not be treated like numbers, and the reason I even joined is to connect with people who are serious about connecting. It isn’t a sales statistic or a target you’re trying to hit, they are people you are interested in learning about, and deserve to be respected as such. Some women who did respond to me were surprised when I would mention that I had only exchanged messages with them or only a few others, and had a somewhat serious approach to meeting people for dates and not just hookups.
I started to find myself being guilty of immediate judgments and not being satisfied with what was being shown to me. You are only given so many matches per day, so if none of them caught your attention . . . your attention
desires to move on to more. Scrolling through the discover, or others in your area pages seemed to feed a desire for scrolling VS choosing . . . because there is always the “what if” factor that there is someone (or something) better.
For men in particular this is very dangerous because this is the method of the hookup culture and pornography. Which is why tinder is so popular . . . endless swipes or clicks until you find what you like.
Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not against spending money to meet people. The only way to meet people is to invest yourself (in person and resources), this is simply another model to do so.
I now see why they advertise so much . . . their customer turnover/retention has got to be a huge number, and it isn’t from people being matched up. Their rates are so high because their customer acquisition price is probably a huge chunk of their costs.
Why can’t people just scroll through facebook in the suggested friends page and ask people out that way? Oh wait, that’s too creepy . . .
This isn’t meant to deter you from using online dating (well maybe), but to hopefully give some insight about a few things no one pointed out to me before jumping onto the sites.
For nearly 1.5 years of utilizing several different sites to their potential with nothing to show for it, I think I’ll switch back to using that money to buy random ladies drinks at the bar or dinner.
If you have similar or different experiences, I’d love to hear them. Comments or emails are welcome, please feel free to share.
Posted at 9:42 am by Colbytallen, on August 9, 2016
Pride.
Such a strange concept.
Fewer sentiments can make a boy feel like a man when his father says “I’m proud of you.”
It was hubris that brought down Oedipus Rex to the irony of him fulfilling the prophesies which causes his fall.
Twas pride that sparked the heartbeat of William Wallace fighting for the value of freedom and liberty.
In effort to become an unrivaled scientist, it was Victor’s pride that formed the monster which lead to his misfortune.
It can build and destroy great kingdoms.
It can be felt in joy within a person’s heart, or it can be felt as a sword piercing what they have placed as their value.
False pride can lead a person to say “told you so.” Yet just pride can earn a person’s trust by them laconically offering “so you told.”
It’s 2:17am and these thoughts jolted me from my sleep and keep me awake.
In the past I’ve held the belief that your actions could always be rationalized regardless of how others perceive them. Yet more and more the evidence reveals that the rationalization of an action is determined by others receiving them.
When toddlers and young children are playing house, they prepare (quite rapidly) a meal for adults. Plastic peas, water soup, or some other delectable invisible dish. When they serve with joy, do parents swat it away and proclaim “No child, you are crazy. This is not real food, and your actions are irrational.”
No. Parents receive this act in love (gift of their will) and exclaim “this is the best plastic food I’ve had in my entire life!” It’s the reception of the gift that give it rationality.
When a young man pursues a woman. He offers her gifts, offers his time, learns intimate details about her. The frame of these actions are then determined by her reception. Either she thinks he is a creep and crazy, or she receives his gift and takes risk toward life long love.
The rationality of actions in many cases are not determined by it’s giving, but by whether or not it is accepted.
What does rationality have to do with pride? In my humbling (remember this term) experience, pride is also determined by reception.
Pride is a present confidence that looks forward. Making plans if you will.
“Prudence is the virtue that disposes practical reason to discern our true good in every circumstance and to choose the right means of achieving it; “the prudent man looks where he is going.” (Prov 14:15) “Keep sane and sober for your prayers.” (1 Pet 4:7) Prudence is “right reason in action,” writes St. Thomas Aquinas . . .” CCC 1806
Sharing origins with the word prudence, pride I would propose, is also to look where you are going. Yet whether it is just or false pride is determined by the clarity of your vision
Many visions are noble, good, purposeful.
Oedipus was considered one of the most intelligent men alive, yet his pride (own plan looking forward) distracted him from seeing key factors to cause his demise. Literally becoming blind by his own doing.
Victor was a great scientist, yet his hubris was exposed because he sought this to be proven even through un-ethical means. He did not choose the right means to achieve good.
William Wallace was a great hero because his vision for Scotland was noble and true good in all circumstance through liberty.
Humility and being humiliated is the act of being grounded away from our plan, our looking forward. Accepting that our plan may not be the most prudent, or the right means of achieving good. Accepting that others do not accept your plan.
Very recently was presented to me an alternate path for my life. What subsequently followed that possibility was my INTJ and risk manager brain going into plan mode.
Seeking counsel , prayer, and fasting from those I trust, nearly all indications read positive and support. My own prayer indicated big change very clearly.
All the research, planning, projections, fact checking, proposals, and expectations were set. Presented with a challenge, I placed the best effort I possessed on the table.
It wasn’t arrogance, but a small confidence was within my heart. I had the plan, the plan was done well. Did I fit the bill 100%? Conversations weren’t perfect. Even considering I was exhausted from having no rest, and grieving the death of a loved one. Prefacing (and assuming others understood) that no decision can be made with complete comfort, but if they were willing to take the risk, so was I.
Several days later the phone call came after my lunch hour, reading a book in the shade during a break.
For the first time in my life that I can recall on a professional level, my plan was not accepted.
EVERY TIME I’ve ever competed or applied myself on a professional level, have won. Being chosen over other candidates, countless times. I don’t ask for it, in most cases my quiet proposal of experience and proven success speaks for itself.
It’s humiliating.
Humiliating that my effort was dismissed as not worthy. Humiliating that something I really wanted was not given. Humiliating that I took big risks and was dealt a loss. Humiliating that I had to go back and tell people who were confident for me, that their confidence was in vain.
My pride is hurt, because my vision looking forward was not accepted by others. Right reason was exercised in action, yet others looked upon me as irrational.
However don’t apply the twisted sense of humiliation to this. It is not like a child who was bullied and beaten, humiliated by something unjust. I’m not crying because someone publically shamed me.
Humiliation is a good. Imposed humility shows that others may see more than me. They say hindsight is 20/20 (which I don’t fully believe) but looking back and comparing actions to new experience can reveal more in losing than if I were to have gained.
My pride is hurt not because I did something wrong, but that I placed value into an action that did not appreciate.
Humiliating yes, yet it is the act of humility that rocks are drug across a river bed. Stones grinding upon others as they travel. When you look at rocks toward the beginning, they are large and rough. It’s only through years of friction and humility (earth to earth) that they become smooth pebbles downstream. The good ones that you seek while finding some to skip across the pond.
So yes.
It was humiliating that my effort was dismissed as not worthy. It was humiliating that something I really wanted was not given. It was humiliating that I took big risks and was dealt a loss. It was humiliating that I had to go back and tell people who were confident for me, that their confidence was in vain.
But it’s this action of humility that gives me confidence that I should not weep for the rough stones I sought and lost, the heavy ones that may skip a few times but sink quickly with large splash.
Rejoice that the future will be full of stones that will skip across the water with ease and beauty. This is how I look forward.
Posted at 12:31 am by Colbytallen, on June 17, 2016
Time is money . . . as the adage goes. There is never enough time in the day to do whatwe want or whenwe want. With only 24 hours, we constantly scramble to be productive; however at the end of the day, there is always something else that can be done. Our thoughts continually trail to the work assignment, the phone call we didn’t make, cleaning the kitchen, reading the book (that’s been sitting on the night stand for months); our sigh at the end of the day is not one of relief, but of prep for facing tomorrow.
Have you seen the movie “In Time” ? In a futuristic world time is money. Literally. There is no currency, every person has a biological time clock on their wrist that counts down. Once you are born you age 25 years until your clock starts, and everyone starts with 10 years worth. (Once your clock starts you also stop aging).
With time being the currency, anytime you need something you pay for it with time. Groceries, a bus ticket, the rent. You earn more time by working a job; The main point is the characters are constantly giving away time in order to live, but the kicker of this story is a political statement of the difference between the haves and have nots, the wealthy and the poor, those who have no time VS those who have all the time in the world. What separates them are time zones (ha).
Because the poor are always low on time, their life is a constant scramble. Running everywhere, not sleeping much, only sitting to eat (or go without eating), borrowing from the time bank – and paying it back with interest. Every minute checking their wrist so they don’t lose track of time . . . or they could die.
The wealthy on the other hand; gambling, leisure, extravagant parties, they walk, and even speak slowly . . . because they have the time.
The whole scheme is a jab at our current financial system, but the analogies that the writers use with this idea is extraordinary.
Business – means to be in the state of being occupied.
In the movie, those who have less time must constantly be occupied with something productive – or invest in activities that are worth their time. Several times the main character does something and then regrets because he lost time. They live day to day (synonymous to living paycheck to paycheck) so he must be careful where he spends his time as not to waste.
We are busy. Constantly driving somewhere, looking at our phones being connected with the rest of the world. However the question that I want to challenge you today is ask yourself “how am I truly spending my time?”
A lot of times we don’t even want to take 30 minutes to pray because it seems like a lot. There is something else we would rather be doing that we think is a better use of our time . . . but let’s do an exercise (or not, if you would rather do something else than to exercise your mind 😉 ).
Fr. Mark Toups did this once with a guys group, the topic was prayer. But he lead us with paper and pen “write out every activity you can think of that you do in a day, and how much time it takes in minutes.”
I’ll use one of my busy days as an example:
Sleep 360 minutes (6 hours).
Prep for work – breakfast, shower, getting dressed. 30 mins.
Commute. 30 minutes.
Time at work. 480 minutes.
Lunch. 60 minutes.
Drive to mass. 10 minutes.
Mass. 45 minutes.
Bowling league. 150 minutes.
Dinner with friends. 60 minutes.
Drive home. 30 minutes.
Prep for bed. 15 minutes.
Read/Write. 60 minutes.
1,440 minutes (24 hours) – 1,330 minutes (22.2 hours) in a busy day. Even a day with no stops between activities, I’m exhausted – there are still 110 minutes of un-designated time.
And I’m too busy:
to respond to a text message?
to call my grandmother?
to write a happy birthday card to a friend?
to fold and put away my clothes?
We’re so exhausted by the end of the day that even leisurely activities become tiresome. Just last week, I was talking with some friends and we joked about turning down fun activities because even fun time with friends is now draining.
It’s time to admit something. Many times our perceive state of absolute busyness is a symptom of a root problem. A lack in time management. The questions and principal root of this busyness is “what are my priorities?” and “what is truly worth my time?”
Matthew Kelly speaks on this topic and makes a precise point. Paraphrasing, but no one has more or less time in a day than any other . . . so the most important asset you have is not time, but discipline. What you choose to do with the time that you have.
Keyword, choose.
Re-spect – etymologically means to look again. Keep in perspective. Keep within your vision.
Most of the time when we think of respect, primarily we populate ideas of superiors, someone above us. Respecting your parents, respecting your managers at work, respecting a mentor. And this makes sense. Usually those are the persons we are trying to impress, or stay within their graces because we receive something from them. They offer some type of benefit or perpetuation to our life. It is within our interests to give our time to those we respect.
Consider this within the analogy of investing or business activity:
Strategic management has one goal; to optimize the value from resources. Whether those are certain types of financial instruments, or analyses between different projects; the goal is to give the time and money to those activities which have the greatest positive benefit to the engaged party.
Recall the movie. The characters with the least amount of time have to be selective about what they did with that time, you don’t want to waste resource on a negative return and lose. I.E. wasted time. The need for effective time management.
but . . . in the wise request of Aretha Franklin . . . “R E S P E C T, find out what it means to me!”
THE CHALLENGING TWIST:
Sooo if to respect means to look again, the opposite of this would be . . . disrespect. To look away, to remove from perspective.
So to encounter something or someone, and choose not to give your time/resource, you are disrespecting that opportunity or person. This may seem like a harsh way to dictate this idea, but I feel many times we dismiss respecting something/someone simply because we believe we are too busy – or subconsciously deem that they are not worthy of our time. The action of disrespecting in this context is to ignore.
Recall that love = choice.
“Where you invest your love, you invest your life.” Mumford & Sons
Paraphrase to the context of this reflection. “Where you invest your love, you invest your time.”
Recall the 5 love languages:
Quality time.
Words of affirmation.
Giving gifts.
Acts of Service.
Physical affection.
Though these are all different ways to express or receive love. One thing they all require is you surrender time to another person.
“What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends; what you read, whom you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything.” Father Pedro Arrupe, SJ
Many of my friends pick on me because I live by my calendar, but it’s because I want to truly give my time where it can effectively be offered. Without distraction. With complete respect.
A serious problem that plagues today is the inability/or choice not to properly plan our time. As young adults, what is so difficult about committing? My biggest peeves today are the “interested” or “maybe” buttons on facebook. There is a concert in N.O. coming soon that is currently 1,800 interested with only 300 confirmed attending . . . yes or no people. It’s not that hard. I had a party once that had 80 maybes and only 25 yeses. It’s hard to plan food on maybes . . .
Complete understanding is acknowledged that the choice between multiple goods can be a difficult one, and choices can change. However if our priorities are established, discerning between goods should be simple. As Fr. Arrupe says “love will decide.” The sieve you use to sift will leave that which you need. (shameless plug for the post on discernment, click here if you haven’t read it).
Communicate with people about expectations. Many times we feel disrespected or ignored because we assume our relationships/business/friendships are on the same page – yet they are not. We live with different priorities, and it’s the breakdown or lack of communication (communion) that causes pain/disrespect.
Can’t attend an event? Tell your friend why. Late for work? Tell your boss why. There is a huge difference between an excuse, and a reason. Dodgy answers or lack of reason causes mis-trust.
Have peace that people may be hurt by our decision not to choose them, however the respectful no is better than no response. Even in my recent dating endeavors, asking in person or VIA social (dating) apps, I’m amazed at how many women just don’t respond. (shameless plug for last post on the importance of responding, click here).
We need to be more responsive/responsible and quit pretending to be so busy. Don’t apologize for the symptom of your choices (busyness), own your choices and the convictions/priorities that make them. I tell people all the time “I can’t attend your function because my family has an event that same day.” For me family is priority, so usually that is the measure I use when choosing how to spend my time.
With effective time management we can be more intentional/communicative about our priorities. And the more productive our true business/busyness will be.
One thing I have learned working in Risk Management is a little intentional planning can yield great fruit. And as the idiom goes “those who fail to plan, plan to fail.”
After you watch the movie, you find that though the main character was being charged with stealing time . . . the whole movie is dedicated on him finding ways to give away the time he has been given.
As mentioned before, I always make effort now to express gratitude to those who give me their time.
If you have read this whole article it means you won/I lost the bet posed in the title. Completely serious, contact me if you want to claim one favor. A drink, a meal, a phone call, yard work, whatever (within reason). All it takes is a little planning, I’m never too busy for you. You have my respect.
Peace.
Edit and insight credit to my Aunt Liz. With a house full of young kids she made time to offer her wisdom. Great gift. Thank you!
p.s. for those of you who have comments or critiques. Please understand that these posts are not all encompassing of the conversation. There are only so many things you can say in less than 2,000 words. If you have comments, questions, or additional insights – please feel free to contact me.
Have peace to know that you can be seen and loved. The season of waiting can be one of the most difficult spans you ever face. The uncertainty of choices, options, advances, offers, or whatever form you may experience the potential for a proposal of a shared life – is wildly intimidating.
With the seemingly complete uncertainty, and the pressure of perfectionism, how can you ever be certain you are making the right decision now? You don’t. That’s risks.
You desire for a man to choose you.
You desire to be held.
You desire a man to binge on Netflix with you while putting down buttered pecan ice cream.
You desire to give birth to his children.
You desire for your man to wash the dishes while you play with the children.
You desire for him to lock eyes and appreciate you in a room full of people.
You desire for him to take out the trash.
You desire for him to whisper sweet every-things to you.
You desire for a man to Love you.
Your desires are good, and you deserve for them to become reality.
This letter is written from several men who have a request. That when that moment of uncertainty is upon you, and you can’t say yes, please say no. If a man has initiated to “define the relationship” please be ready to de-fine.
Once a man is in your life, and is offering himself to you, it is daunting. This decision may not be easy:
You may feel pressured.
You may feel a lack of freedom.
You may not be able to commit now.
You may have other plans or something to achieve.
You may not be able to say yes.
He is asking a lot. In that moment you may realize that he is asking you to give up or change everything you’ve known to be good and comfortable:
Stop spending as much time with your friends so you can spend time with him.
Sacrifice your desires for travel to build a family.
Leave your family.
Change your job.
Maybe move to another town.
Make new friends.
Essentially change everything about you to accommodate him.
We understand how this can be significant. We’re asking you to forsake almost all you know to risk something unknown. Call us crazy if you want, this may be the easiest decision of your life. Do not let that season of waiting be perpetuated by fear of uncertainty.
But with great respect, that if we do ask and you can’t say yes, at least say NO. We need you to be definite in your response.
We have heard your shouts (and countless blog posts) for men to step up, to initiate, to lead, to give – in response to the pain inflicted by men in your life who have not done so.
But with great respect, that if we do ask and you can’t say yes, at least say NO. We need you to be definite in your response.
You see, hope is a strong force. Fr. Luigi Giussani speaks of hope as a reflection of memory. The great desire for something that we have experienced, and to experience it yet again.
“hope as an affirmation that resolves, an affirmation of desire, in which the needs of the heart are determined. An encounter excites, solicits, reawakens the needs of the heart; one starts to desire because this has to do with a type of future; one begins to desire.” Is it Possible to Live this way? Volume 2. Hope.
It’s been said if you desire to sail, do not hire a crew and give them jobs. Inspire them to long for the vastness of the ocean. A.K.A. a man who loves you is not marrying you simply to perform the tasks needed to love you, he performs the tasks required because he longs for the vastness of your mystery.
For man continually desires you because of hope. He has experienced a small part of you that changed him, moved him, makes him desire more. The memory of you excites him and he desires to experience that excitement and awakening more.
Nothing in this world moves a man as much as woman. Adam experienced his humanity through the experience of Eve. Jacob labored for 14 years to receive Rachel. Hosea loved his wife even though she was continually unfaithful. Christ left heaven and came to us in order that we may know His love.
Woman was made so that man could be moved toward God. If a man is moving toward you and if you can’t say yes, at least say NO. We need you to be definite in your response.
Consider Newton’s laws of motion. An object will remain in motion unless acted upon by an outside force.
You see, we may attempt to say the same end but with different words. Just as you call us to understand and pursue you, we call you to use words that we know. If you challenge us to initiate, we challenge you to adequately respond.
“I can’t say yes right now” does not mean no.
“I feel pressured, and a lack of freedom.” Good. Love requires surrendering some of our freedom. If I’m not mistaken, it was St. John Chrysostom that first referred to married love as a ball and chain.
“Love consists of a commitment which limits one’s freedom – it is giving of the self, and to give oneself means just that: to limit one’s freedom on behalf of another. Limitation of one’s freedom might seem to be something negative or unpleasant, but love makes it a positive, joyful and creative thing. Freedom exists for the sake of love.” Love and Responsibility, P. 135 The Commitment of Freedom.
Though we are made for infinite love, as humans we are subject to truths that are finite . . . I.E. we require response that is de-finite. This is the reason that St. JP2 titled his work “Love and Responsibility” because as he lays out:
“But since reciprocity is in the very nature of love, since the interpersonal character of love depends on it, we can hardly speak of “selfishness” in this context. The desire for reciprocity does not cancel out the disinterested character of love. . . Reciprocity brings with it a synthesis, as it were, of love as desire and love as goodwill.” Love and Responsibility, p. 86 The Problem of Reciprocity.
Love is not easy. Yes we’re asking you to leave father and mother and bind yourself to us. To sacrifice and walk away from all. However we offer to you now to be mindful that when we ask you to say yes, this is what we are asking you to say yes to receive:
That you let me choose you.
You let me hold you.
You let me binge on Netflix with you while putting down buttered pecan ice cream.
You let me be present when birthing our children.
You let me wash the dishes while you play with the children.
You experience me locking eyes with you and appreciate you in a room full of people.
You let me take out the trash.
You let me whisper sweet every-things to you.
You let me Love you.
Yes we’re asking you to sacrifice, but first and foremost, we are asking if you will let us sacrifice for you. This is our pressure.
Next time a man proposes to offer his life as a gift to you, envision that encompassed in that one question is not simply a “yes” or “no” but offering a lifetime of his own body, his own time, his own love – so that you can be loved.
When a man offers himself to you, what he is saying is “let me change my entire life as to make a gift of myself in effort to enrich yours.”
If we are to take the text of Ephesians 5 to its end, your subjection to your husband is not one of degradation, or disrespect, but placing yourself within his mission to serve and love you.
You see Christ primarily does not offer Himself for himself, He offers Himself for our sake. As we encounter Christ, how sensible is a response that “I can’t say yes” or “I feel too pressured, and a lack of freedom.”? Christ calls us to respond to His gift of self, and so dear sisters . . . if as men we are called to be Christ (Priest, prophet, and King) of the domestic Church . . . please be definitive in your response.
We apologize for the men who have been selfish and not lived the image of Christ’s true gift. We apologize for the ways that we have been blind to what you need. And please understand that even the men who strive to be Christ to you, are not Him.
We’re not perfect. But if you’re willing to say yes, we are more than capable of giving our entire life to be good enough to labor for your good.
Not all decisions in every moment can be seen as black and white. True decision takes discernment (shameless plug for my prior post. Click here!). However we humbly ask, that when offered this precious and exclusive gift “Let what you say be simply ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Matthew 5:37
Sincerely and with peace,
The men who strive to be good.
“I’m no good at waiting on any kind of talk at all from you to me each day. And I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I never can quite seem to pull my weight. I don’t want to rattle, and I’ve got no plans to let myself get tossed away. But this muscle, all this muscle could never lift a thing without you anyway.
And you have me, you have me, you have me only when I keep, when I keep, when I keep listening.
You wanna come and stay here and depending on the day, I want to let you in. But I know me, I know me, I’m scared I’ll just wake up and want you gone again.
‘Cause I’m not proud, I’m not proud, I’m not proud of me. So how could you, how could you, how could you ever be? Well I’m not proud, I’m not proud, I’m not proud of me. So how could you, how could you, how could you ever be?”
p.s. This post comes from several conversations I’ve had with a few close friends. In particular one with my buddy Justin over some whiskey after a holy hour.
Basically from our ranting from being tired of the “man up” accusations and a response to our own pursuits of women that felt ambiguous in response. The frustrations of women challenging men to be blunt, but our confusion of our courage being met with a lack of courage to respond definitively – and being accused of pressuring or placing women in a space of non-freedom.
Straight un-poetic words: Dear women, we need you to be blunt. If you don’t know what you want, please tell us you don’t know what you want. If you don’t want to be with a man who is genuinely pursuing you, please tell him to bug off. Hope and love make a man do crazy things, so unless you tell him to stop . . . he will continue to be crazy. However I genuinely believe to a degree that crazy is only defined by its non-acceptance. From the wise words of the bud-light commercials. “It’s only weird if it doesn’t work.”
In the simplest of terms, should someone offer you a gift, the only respectable (looking intently) response is to accept or decline. To continually avoid either of those responses disrepects (looks away, ignores) from the purpose of the gift.
Even before writing this article I reached out to several women I really respect, and only one was open to having the conversation with me. She shared that the man in her life offering himself was very intimidating, and he did it over and over again for several years. It wasn’t until she finally surrendered to his gift of love that she has experienced more joy than she did the whole time they awkwardly danced around one another.
“And holiness is measured according to the ‘great mystery’ in which the Bride responds with the gift of love to the gift of the Bridegroom.” Mulieris Dignitatum, 27.
The title of our beloved St. Pope’s writing is not “Love and Ambiguity” but precisely Love and Responsibility.
Thank you for taking the time to read this vulnerable challenge.
So once you sign up for your profile, buy your 6 month membership, it’s time to start mingling. Most profiles only have one photo and N/A for nearly every question (which usually indicates someone registered but doesn’t take it serious, they just wanted to check out other people). You get your one or several “matches” per day where you get to review their profile. Scrolling through the endless pictures of dogs you finally get to photos of them . . . with friends . . . and you start to ask “who is it?”
I started to find myself being guilty of immediate judgments and not being satisfied with what was being shown to me. You are only given so many matches per day, so if none of them caught your attention . . . your attention
Colbytallen
