Category: General Discussion

• Everybody is a Critic, but Here is the Real Way to “Win” an Argument.

  Posted at 3:09 am by colbytallen, on October 17, 2016

  

  This one will be short, however a brief point that no one seems to understand or discern. In the wake of the election, also the endless shouting and accusations of intolerance through media postings, I’m hoping this point awakens in people the insight necessary for argumentation.

  

  Being a critic does not make you right, it makes you a critic.

   

  Alienating yourself from those who are different does not make you righteous.

   

  The public discourse within the United States no longer includes logic or empathy, but a mere might and emotion makes right mode of mentality.

   

  A scene from the movie Thank you for Smoking.

  What does this show us? Exactly what the problem is with public discourse. No one is willing to propose an idea or method. Instead, the more attractive and self-fulfilling method is to critique or reduce someone else’s ideas.

   

  Tearing someone else down does not make you higher, you haven’t done anything to step up, only step on someone else.

   

  Again, being a critic doesn’t make you right, it makes you a critic. You are not proposing or affirming a truth by exploiting another person’s flaw. It does not inherently make you a better person for publically attempting to shame someone else.

   

  When the crowd gathered around the woman to stone her for adultery, they gathered around in order to impute judgment for her sins. Paraphrasing what may have been shouted at her that day “you are wrong and this is why!” would be no different than the petty accusations that fly on media forums in order to disprove someone else’s point.

   

  What was Christ’s response translated? Let he who is without fault be the first critic.

  

  Again, you are not making a point by discrediting someone else’s.

   

  Fr. Giussani speaking of Italian young adults decades back: “In that particular environment, I believe there was a tendency to spur young people to use reason in the form of criticism. What was lacking, however, was a sufficiently strong community that could sustain this need for a critical approach and act as a reality check.” The Risk of Education p.45

   

  Yes, a spiritual work of mercy is to instruct the ignorant. However if there is no basis of relationship, or no foundation of tradition for which to hold, criticism only serves as a vessel of divisiveness.

   

  “Only where there are disciples can there be geniuses, because it is only by listening and understanding first that we can hope to achieve maturity, and in turn make judgments, criticize, and even reject the received knowledge that first sustained us.” The Risk of Education p. 53

   

  This is the way our current presidential candidates jab one another, every facebook discussion, the sterilized media methods of commenting on an incident separate from opposing opinion. Discrediting someone’s input in a debate because you deem them less experienced, therefore not worthy of discussion.

   

  It’s all ego. And pointing out un-truth does not give you power over the truth.

  

  It’s quite the paradox that we all “understand” that we are imperfect, yet slap the book on someone when their imperfections can be the fuel to inflame your ego.

   

  The Socratic method of argumentation is much more effective in persuasion than the unfettered skepticism that has become popular. As the book continues, Fr. Giussani goes on to explain that criticism and skepticism are necessary if they are used in the process of verification.

   

  Verifying that which we know to be true in order to solidify actual truth, or be able to walk away from something lesser.

  A paradox is the subjective experience of one person is the target of destruction. Subjectivity many times is seen as a negative, because it is always lacking. Yet when you read what Fr. Giussani means, being subjective to something is necessary for maturity. It is in placing ourselves under wisdom that we learn and grow.

  It is no coincidence that the word mercy and womb have the same etymological roots. A space for a person to grow into maturity.

  If you are critiquing with the goal of un-verifying someone else’s experience without being able to verify your own . . . again, you aren’t a hero, you’re just a critic.

  

  In the spirit of not doing what this article seeks to bring to light:

   

  Many times when I’ve found myself at odds with someone, it’s been more fruitful to ask questions that can guide the conversation. Not in pure manipulation, more in asking questions that frame the conversation in measuring their experience to mine.

   

  So I propose next time you encounter a frictional circumstance, don’t simply wag your finger in their face in admonishment, ask questions that get to the motive of the other person.

   

  Engaging a person with the mode to change them will yield no fruit. But when you tap into the deepest desire of every human heart . . . to know and be known . . . that is where judgment and criticism can be welcome in order to seek verification, truth.

  If you have 18 minutes, listen to this presentation, and have tissues near by.

  http://tedxtalks.ted.com/video/What-Teenagers-Want-You-to-Know/player?layout=&read_more=1

  If you don’t have that time now, the main point is that people don’t care what you know until they know that you care. Change occurs when people realize the truth and seek to amend their life in order to live that truth. The virtues that move man are truth, goodness, and beauty. If you want to move a man don’t simply point at the ways these are lacking in his life, inspire him to see the ways he can have these virtues in his life.

  So as the old adage goes: Before you judge (criticize) someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you do it, you’re a mile away . . . and you have their shoes.

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  Posted in General Discussion | 0 Comments

• Why Maternity Leave isn’t Offered. Several Points You May Not Have Considered.

  Posted at 3:03 am by colbytallen, on September 23, 2016

  

  BEFORE READING ON: I am a full supporter and proponent of family life. Currently I’m researching and building a study on St. John Paul the II’s personalism, family life, and economic theory. That being said . . . continue.

  You will probably have conclusions that would deem me to be sexist, misogynist, against women’s equality, etc. etc.   Form your opinion, but I will propose that these following points are from the prospective of economics, history,  and observational study. (it’s a little long, so hope you have a few minutes).

   

  This one will probably get me some ill feelings from a lot of people, but there doesn’t seem to be many voices that are challenging the push for more liberal policies in the U.S. on paid maternity/paternity leave.

   

  It was sparked by the now viral video “Dads and moms deserve more time off with their kids.” Which only gives the reasons that other countries do it and are happy, and it’s better for the kids because they end up smarter.

  These videos push my buttons because there is WAY more to the conversation than 2 minutes of points with an agenda. (my immediate critique of this is 1. Other countries utilize very different economic systems. 2. Since the advent of women in the job market and leaving the home after WW1 & WW2, school systems have been on negative trajectory.)

   

  Sooo here are a few challenges:

  1. Employment is a contract – the general steps are:
     1. You apply for the job.
     2. You are interviewed for the position.
     3. Should you fit the bill, you are offered the position.
     4. You have the decision to accept or decline the position . . . and the terms that are tied to that offering.

   

  Several notable motivating career consultants/speakers/coaches all point out that if you are unhappy with you job, there is a chance that you haven’t negotiated with your employer more favorable terms. A lot of people say “you can’t reason with greedy capitalist owners, it’s all about profit in their pocket.” Well I would propose many times this is not the case, and you won’t receive something if you don’t ask for it.

  

  Example – I’ve negotiated several raises at my current job that would not have been offered. Because I had the evidence to support my requests, my managers have listened and even granted my requests for more favorable employment terms.

   

  The opposite side of the coin – if a job does not offer the employment terms that you do not find favorable . . . you don’t have to work there. That is the beauty of a right to work environment. Many people say “well we don’t have leverage when it comes to jobs, so you have to take what you can get. Especially in today’s economy.” Which leads to the next point.

   

  2. The job market is a market . . . just like any other market.

  When you go shopping, what are the criteria you consider?

  The proximity of the store to your home. The quality of the produce. What items they keep in stock. Their reputation for prices. The friendliness of the staff. . . . etc.

   

  There are multiple factors that influence how you shop. Then you step into the aisle to choose the product you’re looking to buy . . . but what is the main influencer of what items are on the shelf? The items that you are looking to buy . . . because plain and simple, if they aren’t offering what you want . . . you ain’t buyin.

  

  This is simple supply and demand. Businesses offer what will attract consumers to consume. So if there is a demand for it, entrepreneurs will seek to offer and meet the demand with supply. The reason the problem perpetuates is because people (the consumers) continually buy the product that employers are offering because the risk of not having a job seems greater . . . so people are willing to sacrifice certain freedoms in order to mitigate risks in other ways. I.E. it’s better to have an unfavorable job than no job.

  We want less risks but more benefit, and as someone who studies risks. . . that’s usually not how it works.

  Applying simple supply and demand theory . . . it would be more effective for a majority of the market to refuse their labor services to employers in order to leverage the terms they desire. If the employer can’t hire anyone, his business can’t be productive. This is why in history workers go on strike . . . the employees leverage “you need us, give us what we want or we won’t give you what you need.”

  

  Regardless of what you say, the theory works . . . and yes, it is that simple.

   

   

  3. Disregard for agrarian model and traditional gender roles is the root of the problem. Our labor market is antiquated.

   

  Before reading . . .  proceed with objective glasses and participate in the conversation.

   

  One reason the U.S. job market is in it’s current state is we are an evolved agrarian society that really hasn’t evolved.

  The two income household is a relatively young concept. Different conversation topic, but young people today bring the single lifestyle expense habits into marriage. Both with student debt, have to have a nice car, the nice house, a nice vacation every year. It’s a high expense for two young people to live together today. This is a lifestyle and personal budgeting issue, but relates to what we are discussing.

  Go back 40+ years. Visualize the old television shows that displayed the husband coming home from work, the children arriving from school, and the wife has dinner ready on the table.

  

  Other than a few industries, prior to the world wars the family model was the husband worked, the wife/mother stayed at home. It wasn’t until a significant number of men left the labor market either by being over seas, or returning disabled, or not returning at all. (Peace and solemn respect for all who have sacrificed in this way). This is when women really entered the job market, hence the image “Rosie the Riveter.”

  

  The nature of the labor market back in the day was industrial, which to be very frank, required the strength of men. Even today the push for “women’s equality” in the workplace is mainly targeted in white collar industries. How many equality lawsuits do you hear of a woman suing because she was discriminated against being employed for a waste management company? Or in a mine? Few and far between compared to white collar jobs.

  (you can pull out your sexist/misogynist labelers now)

  The paradox/idiom that has reared it’s ugly head is the push for women’s equality in the work place. Women want the respect and benefits of masculine preference when it comes to labor . . . yet are now up in arms when they are not given feminine favor in a masculine job market.

  For a modern U.S. society that prides itself on autonomy and shouting “YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO.” Those same people are pretty quick to tell others what they should be doing . . . hmmmm

  

  The phenomenal advances in technology have changed our economics miraculously. During industrial times it was common for a man to manually labor for 50-60 hours per week. What has technology done? Essentially made amounting wealth so easy . . . you can do it by being lazy.

   

  I explained to a friend the other day that one time at work I had a revelation moment. Part of my job is after an agency acquisition, I contact the partner companies to update their information to ours. Without going into detail . . . my objective is to change the direction of cash flow from one company to another in a span of 6 months.

   

  Visualize this: My company gains millions of dollars simply from the actions of me making phone calls and sending emails . . . sitting in a cozy tempur pedic office chair.

   

  Go back before 1975 and tell someone that . . . they would probably think you have magic powers.

   

  Our economics is based on the principle of production. This is (economically) an industrial term. You produce something because someone is willing to consume it. Factories produce cars because people are willing to buy them, farms produce food (or produce 😉 ) because people desire to consume it. So this would deduce to show that an employee’s worth to the company is their productivity.

   

  This goes back to the first point of employment being contractual – In exchange for your productivity, your employer compensates you with what you agree to be compensated based on the employment terms. Most commonly wages, but can also include other forms of compensation – paid vacation time, health insurance, pension/retirement, paid family leave, etc. . By accepting that job, you agree to labor by the terms – or your employer will terminate you because you violated the terms. Simple enough. You aren’t working to the productivity standard set forth in your employment agreement . . . you will quickly find yourself no longer employed there. Which brings us to the next point.

   

  5. It is inequitable to the business to compensate an employee at a rate higher than their productivity. Ipso facto . . . if you did, you wouldn’t be in business very long.

   

  People are going to say “well big businesses can afford it, so they can sacrifice their big profits to be more family friendly.” While they can, it does not mean that they must.

   

  Look at it this way. You are a business owner going through the interview process outlined in point #1. You really like the person, they are a great candidate, everything fits the bill. You get to the compensation part of the conversation and they tell you that “I want 100% of the salary, but I only want to offer you 75% of the productivity you are looking for. If you can pay me for working all 5 days of the week, but I’ll only be here for 3.5, that would be great. How does that sound?”

   

  You start crunching the numbers. (regardless of what anti-capitalism hounds think, some public opinions think businesses make on average 36% profit margins) Depending upon in the industry margins can range anywhere, on average I would say between 6% and 22% based on a 2012 study. click here for the source of these stats. So from that, at best with this candidate you would break even. Which would reduce the amount you could pay other employees’ obligations, or reinvest in the company to grow a division and create more jobs. Or as most popular liberal opinion . . . pay yourself a nice fat dividend check at the end of the year to buy your 5^th home on the beach front.

   

  Your next interview goes equally as well, yet the person is enthusiastic about showing up and giving their all 5 days a week. Complete unbiased and objective decision for the health of the company . . . which one do you hire?

  

  This is equivalent to the modern push for 12 weeks of maternity/paternity leave. You receive a wage and benefits for 52 weeks worth of labor, yet are only present and productive to the company for 40. 23% of the time, you aren’t contributing.

  

  Point being – inequitable productivity is a real factor that most people don’t include in the conversation. You don’t produce, you don’t get paid.

  “Well the employer doesn’t have to directly pay for it, It’s covered by a government program or an insurance company!” Which is also paid from taxes or insurance premiums paid by the business . . . soooo either way, they are still subsidizing someone else’s non-productivity.

   

  Don’t agree with these observations? Or want a way to address the problem? We live in an entrepreneurial economy. Instead of demanding someone else to give what you want, capitalize on the demand of people who want a job that offers these benefits. Start your own business and offer these benefits to those in the job market looking to receive them.

  . . . it is that simple.

   

  IN CONCLUSION:

   

  Though I hold in very high regard some antiquated views, I will not simply be the critic who only points at what is wrong. Critics aren’t heroes, they are only critics. Tearing down someone else doesn’t make you higher than them, it just makes them see they are lower than they think they were. (hopefully, but most likely you’ll be a bigot who needs to just shut up and let them have their safe space.)

   

  I am full proponent of the family and subsidiarity principles. My current research project is developing a practicum/curriculum for a modern interpretation of how economics can respect the dignity of the person and family. Look for this project to be public by the end of the year or early 2017.

   

  Simply put, everyone will agree in some way that our modern system is not friendly to the family (also neither is the mindset of the society itself friendly to the family . . . but those are in no way related . . . cough cough).

   

  However I will propose that aggressively demanding certain rights or privileges from someone else will not change the situation. We need to study history and examine the causal factors that have consequently lead us to this point.   Oh but wait . . . we don’t believe in accepting consequences either . . . so that approach is pointless also.

   

  Sardonicism aside . . . we need to consider the principles and laws of the many disciplines that affect our life (family, economics, politics, etc.) and develop a system that is harmonious. With the constant noise of a society that screams for androgyny and lack of defining anything, why are we surprised when there is lack of privilege? Oh wait . . . privilege requires something to be distinct . . . which we are also suppose to no longer desire . . . and need to “check.”

  

  This is meant to be a conversation . . . feel free to reach out and let’s discuss.

   

  Peace.
  Posted in Business Topics, General Discussion | 0 Comments

• I Bet You’re Too Busy to Read This Article . . .

  Posted at 12:31 am by colbytallen, on June 17, 2016

  

  Time is money . . . as the adage goes. There is never enough time in the day to do what we want or when we want. With only 24 hours, we constantly scramble to be productive; however at the end of the day, there is always something else that can be done. Our thoughts continually trail to the work assignment, the phone call we didn’t make, cleaning the kitchen, reading the book (that’s been sitting on the night stand for months); our sigh at the end of the day is not one of relief, but of prep for facing tomorrow.

  

  Have you seen the movie “In Time” ? In a futuristic world time is money. Literally. There is no currency, every person has a biological time clock on their wrist that counts down. Once you are born you age 25 years until your clock starts, and everyone starts with 10 years worth. (Once your clock starts you also stop aging).

   

  With time being the currency, anytime you need something you pay for it with time. Groceries, a bus ticket, the rent. You earn more time by working a job; The main point is the characters are constantly giving away time in order to live, but the kicker of this story is a political statement of the difference between the haves and have nots, the wealthy and the poor, those who have no time VS those who have all the time in the world. What separates them are time zones (ha).

   

  Because the poor are always low on time, their life is a constant scramble. Running everywhere, not sleeping much, only sitting to eat (or go without eating), borrowing from the time bank – and paying it back with interest. Every minute checking their wrist so they don’t lose track of time . . . or they could die.

  

  The wealthy on the other hand; gambling, leisure, extravagant parties, they walk, and even speak slowly . . . because they have the time.

   

  The whole scheme is a jab at our current financial system, but the analogies that the writers use with this idea is extraordinary.

   

  Business – means to be in the state of being occupied.

   

  In the movie, those who have less time must constantly be occupied with something productive – or invest in activities that are worth their time. Several times the main character does something and then regrets because he lost time. They live day to day (synonymous to living paycheck to paycheck) so he must be careful where he spends his time as not to waste.

   

  We are busy. Constantly driving somewhere, looking at our phones being connected with the rest of the world. However the question that I want to challenge you today is ask yourself “how am I truly spending my time?”

   

  A lot of times we don’t even want to take 30 minutes to pray because it seems like a lot. There is something else we would rather be doing that we think is a better use of our time . . . but let’s do an exercise (or not, if you would rather do something else than to exercise your mind 😉 ).

   

  Fr. Mark Toups did this once with a guys group, the topic was prayer. But he lead us with paper and pen “write out every activity you can think of that you do in a day, and how much time it takes in minutes.”

   

  I’ll use one of my busy days as an example:

  • Sleep 360 minutes (6 hours).
  • Prep for work – breakfast, shower, getting dressed. 30 mins.
  • Commute. 30 minutes.
  • Time at work. 480 minutes.
  • Lunch. 60 minutes.
  • Drive to mass. 10 minutes.
  • Mass. 45 minutes.
  • Bowling league. 150 minutes.
  • Dinner with friends. 60 minutes.
  • Drive home. 30 minutes.
  • Prep for bed. 15 minutes.
  • Read/Write. 60 minutes.

  1,440 minutes (24 hours) – 1,330 minutes (22.2 hours) in a busy day. Even a day with no stops between activities, I’m exhausted – there are still 110 minutes of un-designated time.

   

  And I’m too busy:

  • to respond to a text message?
  • to call my grandmother?
  • to write a happy birthday card to a friend?
  • to fold and put away my clothes?

   

  We’re so exhausted by the end of the day that even leisurely activities become tiresome. Just last week, I was talking with some friends and we joked about turning down fun activities because even fun time with friends is now draining.

  

  It’s time to admit something. Many times our perceive state of absolute busyness is a symptom of a root problem. A lack in time management. The questions and principal root of this busyness is “what are my priorities?” and “what is truly worth my time?”

  Matthew Kelly speaks on this topic and makes a precise point. Paraphrasing, but no one has more or less time in a day than any other . . . so the most important asset you have is not time, but discipline. What you choose to do with the time that you have.

   

  Keyword, choose.

   

  Re-spect – etymologically means to look again. Keep in perspective. Keep within your vision.

   

  Most of the time when we think of respect, primarily we populate ideas of superiors, someone above us. Respecting your parents, respecting your managers at work, respecting a mentor. And this makes sense. Usually those are the persons we are trying to impress, or stay within their graces because we receive something from them. They offer some type of benefit or perpetuation to our life. It is within our interests to give our time to those we respect.

   

  Consider this within the analogy of investing or business activity:

   

  Strategic management has one goal; to optimize the value from resources. Whether those are certain types of financial instruments, or analyses between different projects; the goal is to give the time and money to those activities which have the greatest positive benefit to the engaged party.

   

  Recall the movie. The characters with the least amount of time have to be selective about what they did with that time, you don’t want to waste resource on a negative return and lose. I.E. wasted time. The need for effective time management.

   

  but . . . in the wise request of Aretha Franklin . . . “R E S P E C T, find out what it means to me!”

  

  THE CHALLENGING TWIST:

  Sooo if to respect means to look again, the opposite of this would be . . . disrespect. To look away, to remove from perspective.

   

  So to encounter something or someone, and choose not to give your time/resource, you are disrespecting that opportunity or person. This may seem like a harsh way to dictate this idea, but I feel many times we dismiss respecting something/someone simply because we believe we are too busy – or subconsciously deem that they are not worthy of our time. The action of disrespecting in this context is to ignore.

  Recall that love = choice.

  “Where you invest your love, you invest your life.” Mumford & Sons

   

  Paraphrase to the context of this reflection. “Where you invest your love, you invest your time.”

  

  Recall the 5 love languages:

  • Quality time.
  • Words of affirmation.
  • Giving gifts.
  • Acts of Service.
  • Physical affection.

   

  Though these are all different ways to express or receive love. One thing they all require is you surrender time to another person.

   

   

  “What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends; what you read, whom you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything.” Father Pedro Arrupe, SJ

   

  Many of my friends pick on me because I live by my calendar, but it’s because I want to truly give my time where it can effectively be offered. Without distraction. With complete respect.

   

  A serious problem that plagues today is the inability/or choice not to properly plan our time. As young adults, what is so difficult about committing? My biggest peeves today are the “interested” or “maybe” buttons on facebook. There is a concert in N.O. coming soon that is currently 1,800 interested with only 300 confirmed attending . . . yes or no people. It’s not that hard. I had a party once that had 80 maybes and only 25 yeses. It’s hard to plan food on maybes . . .

  

  Complete understanding is acknowledged that the choice between multiple goods can be a difficult one, and choices can change. However if our priorities are established, discerning between goods should be simple. As Fr. Arrupe says “love will decide.” The sieve you use to sift will leave that which you need. (shameless plug for the post on discernment, click here if you haven’t read it).

   

  Communicate with people about expectations. Many times we feel disrespected or ignored because we assume our relationships/business/friendships are on the same page – yet they are not. We live with different priorities, and it’s the breakdown or lack of communication (communion) that causes pain/disrespect.

  

  Can’t attend an event? Tell your friend why. Late for work? Tell your boss why. There is a huge difference between an excuse, and a reason. Dodgy answers or lack of reason causes mis-trust.

   

  Have peace that people may be hurt by our decision not to choose them, however the respectful no is better than no response. Even in my recent dating endeavors, asking in person or VIA social (dating) apps, I’m amazed at how many women just don’t respond. (shameless plug for last post on the importance of responding, click here).

   

  We need to be more responsive/responsible and quit pretending to be so busy. Don’t apologize for the symptom of your choices (busyness), own your choices and the convictions/priorities that make them. I tell people all the time “I can’t attend your function because my family has an event that same day.” For me family is priority, so usually that is the measure I use when choosing how to spend my time.

  With effective time management we can be more intentional/communicative about our priorities. And the more productive our true business/busyness will be.

   

  One thing I have learned working in Risk Management is a little intentional planning can yield great fruit. And as the idiom goes “those who fail to plan, plan to fail.”

  

  After you watch the movie, you find that though the main character was being charged with stealing time . . . the whole movie is dedicated on him finding ways to give away the time he has been given.

   

  As mentioned before, I always make effort now to express gratitude to those who give me their time.

  If you have read this whole article it means you won/I lost the bet posed in the title. Completely serious, contact me if you want to claim one favor. A drink, a meal, a phone call, yard work, whatever (within reason). All it takes is a little planning, I’m never too busy for you. You have my respect.

   

  Peace.

   

  Edit and insight credit to my Aunt Liz. With a house full of young kids she made time to offer her wisdom. Great gift. Thank you!

   

  p.s. for those of you who have comments or critiques. Please understand that these posts are not all encompassing of the conversation. There are only so many things you can say in less than 2,000 words. If you have comments, questions, or additional insights –  please feel free to contact me.

  Posted in General Discussion | 0 Comments

• Something Scandalous?

  Posted at 5:21 am by colbytallen, on May 25, 2016

  

  Click bait. Sensationalized. Misleading. Scandalizing. Social engineering.

  No one likes to be duped, but we all are moved to be entertained. So why have authors resorted to using scandalous titles in order to get people to visit their material? Because unless it’s short, sweet, has numbers, and to the point – we don’t want it. The saying should have evolved by now to “don’t judge an online article by its title.”

   

  What has caused the rift in our psyche to shift us toward seeking constantly to be entertained?

  The word entertain holds several definitions 1. Provide with amusement or enjoyment 2. Give attention or consideration to an idea, suggestion, or feeling.

   

  Our more general accepted meaning of the word would point to the first definition (hence why it shows first in the dictionary . . . even with definitions of words we need to be entertained . . .) however . . .

   

  The strict etymology of entertain seems to give more indication for the second definition – inter (or entre’) -tenir (or tenet) in summary means to enter and hold. Or penetrate with principles (I.E. tenet of faith, etc.). So when something or someone entertains you, it/they have your attention and in some way make an impression on your psyche/person.

   

  As a people we have taken the prime position “to be entertained” instead of “entertaining” our attention toward something.

   

  With the culture of selfies and constant posting on social mediums, we are seeking the attention of others, we desired to be entertained – for someone to give consideration or their time to our endeavor. How many finger or thumb swipes do we enact on our phone until something grabs our attention and causes you to stop and click? (there has got to be a real stat on this . . .)

   

  PERSONAL CONFESSION: even with this blog. WordPress gives you pretty detailed stats on how many views you receive, what pages people are reading, where they clicked on the link, etc. – and it’s a dent to my pride when I write what I believe to be fairly insightful . . . yet only a few dozen people may click on the links to read.

   

  Writers have even resorted to using intentionally misleading titles in order to prey on reader’s desire for the scandalous. Recalling even one of the first articles I wrote for the TOB Institute was titled 5 Ways TOB Ruined My Life (click here for the link). Generated so many shares and thousands of views . . . all because of the title. The content was personal, but was not a piece of literary genius. It was simply a play on words for walls within my life that came crumbling down (were ruined) during my faith journey. I did not expect it to generate the response it did.

   

  The title peaked at something contrary, something contradictory, something scandalous . . .

  

  But what is a scandal? Being a word nerd . . .

  Scandalous – causing general public outrage by a perceived offense against morality or law.

   

  You catch that? My assumption would be that most people assume a scandal is that someone did something bad, got caught, and the news went public. But that is not the case. A scandal is the public’s misperception that something is wrong . . . however can be a quick judgment without knowing enough facts. So what do we do with scandalous circumstances? Hunny chile, we nosey.

   

  Our curiosity pines for what we do not know. And why is this??? As the wise St. Augustine is credited “the deepest desire of the human heart is to know and be known.”

  

  To know another and be known by another.

   

  However instead of seeking intimate interpersonal connection with a few people . . . we have sought to be entertained by the masses of people who only know it’s your birthday because facebook told you, or you can make assumptions about their politics because of the posts they share, or because to unfriend someone is a legitimate way to express your own pain.

  Hmm. But I think our true desire for seeking affirmation is this way is not our fear of loneliness, but our fear of being forgotten. The Greeks labored for one thing, their legacy, to be legen  . . . wait for it . . . dary, legendary. And where do we echo the words to not be forgotten? From our dear Savior’s words we hear every time we go to mass . . . “do this in remembrance of me.”

  One of the most moving parts of the movie “Woman in Gold” is the scene where she says goodbye to her parents. The last time she will ever see them, and the last words her father ever says to her are “remember us.” (Tears ROLL down my face every time this scene occurs).

  Even now it’s customary on someone’s birthday to post pictures of you and the person. It’s a call to remember the good times that you have shared. Subtly saying “do not forget me! I’m worth your time!”

  Commonplace has also taken root in that we are too busy to respond to text messages, call someone back timely. However I remember Father Mark Toups one time going through an exercise on a retreat that challenged everyone to write out the daily activities (everything). At the end of the exercise, not a one person could truly say they couldn’t devote certain time to prayer. We always have time, the key factor is we choose where want to give our time.

  “Where you invest your love, you invest your life.” Mumford and Sons.

  Loving is choosing which people are worth our time, and truly appreciating those that give their time to you. If you notice, many times with a personal conversation or if I perceive the other is truly choosing to give me their time – I’ll acknowledge that gift. “Thank you for your time.” or “I appreciate your time.” Out of all the people or activities you could have ignored me with, you chose and deemed me worthy of your time.

  

  We’ve lost touch with being entertained (impressed upon) by the simple, and enact our mode to nearly everything having to be legendary to be memorable.

  • The concerts have to have more flashing lights.
  • Your friends have to text you first.
  • The movies have to have more nudity or swearing.
  • There is a recorded Guiness world record for practically everything.

  More more more.

  How is it that we can remember entire episodes, quotes from TV shows, political articles that are shared . . . but we have difficulty remembering simple intimate things like a friend’s birthday, phone number, their favorite restaurant, etc.

  We are allowing ourselves to be impressed by the wrong entertainment.

  We need to stop and smell the roses. Seriously. Next time you see a rose, walk over to it . . . and take a slow intently sniff of its aroma.

   

  Instead of texting about personal drama, invite your friend over for dinner and sit face to face.

   

  I think this is one of the reasons why select musicians are so popular within certain groups of people. Alex Goot, Noah Gundersen, Penny & Sparrow, Boyce Avenue. Because they take songs that are complex and make them acoustically simple. Soft to the ears so the beauty can be easily received.

   

  A little jump of points. But one of the ideas from the last post rings true here as well. The mindset of “let it be done” can only be received truly if you also have the comparable heart of “this is my body given for you.” To constantly be seeking state of being entertained or “letting it be done” is not healthy.

   

  An idiom a friend once shared with me is “if you do not express on what you have been impressed it will result in you being depressed.”

   

  The great saints did not simply sit idle and go to the most action packed movie, or desired concert. They sought to entertain others (give attention) to those what were in need. They desired to know others. They made a gift of self to others. This is love.

   

  We need to place ourselves with a renewed mindset to the understanding of entertainment.

   

  1. That being entertained is not entirely bad, as long as we are impressed by something that is truly positive. Appreciation for truth, goodness, and beauty is inherent within our desire – we are made for it! However simply being entertained by the image of truth, goodness, or beauty is itself idolatry. Again, don’t be satisfied with the sign – but seek the signified.
  2. Entertaining others as a gift of self is an act of love. Not the twisted understanding that we have to “perform” for others. But the simple sacrifice of offering our attention and time can be a great act of love.

   

  So next time you see that scandalous article title . . . don’t be disappointed when you are disappointed.

   

  But when you see the simple . . . don’t be afraid to entertain the giver, for if you look past it, you will not receive the gift which they desire to give.

  The TV show MadMen is about the advertising industry in the 60s. One line from the main character, Don Draper, is something I remember all the time pertinent to our close.

  

   

  feel free to share and subscribe (and feed my ego to be entertained) 😉

   

  Peace be with you.

  Posted in General Discussion | 0 Comments

• You’re Not Discerning, You’re Distinguishing.

  Posted at 3:46 am by colbytallen, on May 19, 2016

  

  Buckle in, this is going to be a blunt one.

   

  The direction of one’s life is not an easy endeavor. Where do I attend college? Or do I attend college? Where do I live? Do I become a priest? How many children do we have? What brand of coffee should I buy? Do I eat two pancakes or one?

  

  All life altering choices. Every decision you make enacts an effect on your present and future . . . and if you think about this truth, can give you an overwhelming sense of importance. So what tool has the good God given us to navigate such involved problems? Discernment.

   

  Google definitions 1. Perceive or recognize (something). 2. Distinguish (someone or something) with difficulty by sight or with the other senses.

   

  Are these meanings sufficient? Of course not. However the merit that those meanings are shown in google dictionary point to the very reason for this post. We need to relearn what it means to discern. Rhyme intended.

  

  If you also look at the usage graph in the google word analytics, discern was used quite frequently through the nineteenth century. For some reason it seems to lose popularity . . . but then with what seems to be an adjustment from the pilot on the aileron . . . leveled out and started to regain some popularity beginning at the turn of the twenty-first century. In complete seriousness . . . I attribute this uptick on our current young adult catholic generation.

   

  Since my exposure to that which is the faithful Catholic congregation, discernment is easily considered one of the top 3 buzz words that is slung around in normal Catholic conversation. Jokingly I tell people (but there is truth in the jab) that since my confirmation there probably has not been one day since that the words Catholic and Discernment have not been a part of a dialogue. Either through words with friends ( . . . not the game) or my internal dialogue throughout the day, these dictions just happen.

   

  Another running joke is to what degree people discern a problem. So much that even to the point of laying out your shirts on the bed in the morning to properly discern which to wear that day. Nonetheless, there are very serious situations that arise which we must truly discern what path we will take. Religious life, marriage, what career to pursue, etc.

   

  This is where the hiccups start.

   

  DISTINCTION: There are two major types of discernment. (as seen through the mode of Ignatian spirituality).

  1. the discernment of spirits – I.E. the discernment between good and evil. ignatianspirituality.com/making-good-decisions/discernment-of-spirits. This is not the focus of our reflection.
  2. The discernment of the will of God. – I.E. discerning between goods to determine which to you are supposed to choose.

   

  Discerning between spirits which are good and evil should be fairly simple. Separating and examining between them to distinguish differences in the minute contrasts. You know the saying “the devil is in the details” ? That’s a spinoff from discernment of spirits . . . 😉

   

  Now discerning the will of God . . . examining the distinguishment of two goods. Distinguish – dis-tinguere – apart & push; semantically to push apart.

   

  And even though distinguishing between options is a part of discernment . . . IT IS NOT DISCERNMENT. This is the negative problem that I think most young adults do not see/realize. And here is the key difference:

   

  Discernere – dis-cernere – apart & sieve/sift; semantically sieve/sift apart as to separate desired from undesired material. Ex. You sift water from noodles when cooking macaroni and cheese. Sieve scripts filter real from junk email. Essentially a filter/sieve to utilize your labor in separating what you want from what you don’t want.

   

  Did you notice the difference? The reason for the action . . . and also that desire is the hinge that connects the reason for your discernment to the end product. Desired vs. undesired. However another distinct character between these two words of dis – distinguish only pushes items apart, discern is an action to separate . . . in which only one item remains at the end of the process.

  

  Even the title of this article. Right now I’ve got seven options typed up at the top of this word doc, and as others come to mind they get added to the list. I’ve distinguished between them, however in order to only have one remain I can’t simply sit back and appreciate the impact of them all. I’ve got to discern (sift) until the desired remains.

   

  Soooo here is the current problem. Young people today are so wrapped up in the word/idea of discernment that we are doing it wrong. Instead of discerning we are really just intently distinguishing. We have lost sight of the fact that discernment requires active participation, active deciding, and ownership of that decision.

   

  And the kicker is we have become so wrapped up the question “what does God want?” that we forget it is Jesus who asked the blind man “what do you want?”

  

  We’ve become a culture of feelz instead of a people of thought. Dr. Sri wrote a convicting short blog about this phenomena. How we have thrown the word “feel” into the discernment process. Check it out Here. The thesis statement of the whole article glows like the reflection of discovered gold from a miner’s lantern – paraphrase – “we blame God for our decisions instead of owning it ourselves.”

   

  The culture of feelz has completely changed the way we approach every decision.

  • I feel like God is calling me to this.
  • I don’t feel God is calling me to that.
  • I feel pressured to make this decision.
  • I feel this would be a great way to proceed.

  Think about this, and it may seem like a contradiction . . . but stick with me. If the sacraments of service are supposed to be about your primary way to love others . . . why does how you feel have to have principal merit as to your decision to love another person? The culture of feelz is a culture of self.

   

  Feelings of love, feelings of appreciation, feelings of being desired are a REACTION YOU HAVE to someone else’s gift of love to you. It is a reaction to affection.

   

  Affection – movement or impression upon me from another person. Ex. Hug, warmth, belongingness. Something you either offer as a gift to another person, or receive from another person.

   

  Inspirations to be affectionate toward someone is a natural mode of human courting. Why? Because we are called to respond to stimuli. I.E. the title of Karol Wojtyla’s great work “Love and Responsibility.”

   

  We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19.

   

  However we have begun to treat discernment with that of a mode of selfish effect. I.E. if I do this, then surely God will bless me with what will give me the most pleasure (what we mask with “the deepest desires of my heart in which the Lord wants to bless me). We don’t vocalize this, however if we truly do some examination . . . can admit something to that truth.   (the whole my/God’s desires conversation is one for another day . . . a few close friends will know what I’m talking about . . . looong unresolved conversations at the TOBI dinner tables).

   

  Effect – movement or impression from a person/object onto an object. Ex. Cause and effect. A pebble in a pond makes a ripple effect. An reaction that proceeds from an action upon an object.

  

  We approach relationships with the mentality of “in order for me to be able to love this person, I must also be equally loved by them.” If we don’t have some type of pleasurable feelz about something, we don’t even give it the time of day.

   

   

  Some young people (guilty sometimes) usually won’t even go on a date with someone unless they have experienced the butterflies. To have feelings for someone even though they have done nothing more to you other than flash you with those beautiful blues (also guilty). We’ve got to feel “the spark” (guilty yet again) before investing self. Where have all the beautiful women gone?

   

  In a very insightful conversation with some family at lunch we were discussing the conundrum with modern dating and reflecting on our parent’s relationships. If the modern dating principals were applied to our parents while they were dating . . . do you think they would get/still be married? Ponder that. And this adoption of the feelz mindset is what I believe is a huge influencer in the high rates of divorce for couples who have been married for 20 sometimes 30 or more years today.

   

  Our parent’s generational perspective on marriage was very simple: Are we attracted to one another? Yes. Can we get married? Yes. Ok, let’s get married. It was not uncommon for people to be engaged in less than a few months.

   

  Even to the point where subtle social aspect differences are very noticeable between generations regarding their marriage. (again will write about this in the future)

   

  My uncle brought up the point that the early church fathers had a fairly straight forward approach to discernment of Vocation. (I wish I could quote the source, searching and will edit once found). However he shared the fathers spoke of three criteria when discerning big V Vocation (sacrament of service):

  1. That you are capable of living the Vocation. – essentially no major obstacles that would hinder you from living it fruitfully.
  2. Do you desire the Vocation?
  3. That you choose the Vocation.

   

  And this isn’t the fluffy “God will bless your freedom” buzz line that is included in Vocation videos. This is an active participation in which you choose the sacrament to serve others in seeking beatification.

  

  Discernment requires that you decide. Discernment isn’t allowing God to roll the dice and you just say “ok that sounds good!” A soldier doesn’t simply distinguish what weapon he brings to battle, he discerns what weapon is appropriate for the battle he is called to fight.

   

  Why have we made discernment so complicated? Why are we afraid to choose? We all desire happiness, joy . . . but why don’t we have it as discerning young people? Because we haven’t done it. We are so afraid of not making the perfect decision, that we end of making no decision. We are not discerning, we are simply doing a glorified distinguishing.

   

  “Happiness is not a state of mind, it is an action.” Aristotle.

   

  The greek word that usually gets translated into happiness is another example of why the English language is lacking. Eudaimonia, as Aristotle used when describing happiness, is the fruit of right action, more literal “human flourishing.” You attain happiness as the result of actions. This is one reason our beloved Pope Saint wrote so much philosophy on human action (responsibility). He saw the importance of Human Action.

  

   

  Could you call me a heretic in that this seems to exonerate deism? Maybe.

   

  However there seems to be this push and pull of “the battle of desires” between what we want and denying ourselves because we think God wants something for us that we may not . . . and we have to wait for the big G God voice like Samuel heard in the temple.

   

  Remember this. Your Vocation is not about your feelz, it’s called a sacrament of service for a reason. That reason is you serve others. Marrying someone is not primarily about your growth or reception. It’s not about self fulfillment, it’s about offering a gift of yourself.

  The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve. Mark 10:45

  The primary purpose of your vocational discernment is not to receive the perfect spouse, it is to be the best spouse you can for the other.

  This is a call out. Our generation has become so enraptured by the feminine spirituality of “let it be done” that we ignore the aspect of spirituality for “this is my body given for you.”

  

   

  Love and Responsibility.

  Someone shared this video with me today, and it lines well with this reflection.

  “He gave you a will, and He expects you to use that as well.” Fr. Mike Schmitz

  rant over.

  Feel free to subscribe to receive the regular posts in your email.

  Posted in General Discussion | 1 Comment

• The problem with “bae”

  Posted at 4:48 am by colbytallen, on May 11, 2016

  

  “Don’t use words too big for the subject. Don’t say infinitely when you mean very; otherwise you’ll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite.” – C.S. Lewis

   

  A small tidbit about our family; the guy cousins were highly scrutinizing of our aunts’choice of spouses when we were younger. You wouldn’t even earn the title “uncle”until we deemed it appropriate. From pranks to insults (creative as pre-teens can be) we dished it all. So when we realized one of them was a career student, a super nerd, and the heaviest item he picked up was a book . . . it was on.

   

  One day in our early teens we were accusing him of
  using ostentatious words in his talks (and playing scrabble). In true sardonic form we mocked his nerdiness by saying “you only use big words to make people think you are smart.” His response was very charitable and rings in my ears to this day; “Words”, he started, “words have specific meaning and you have to use the correct word to communicate what you want others to receive. It’s not about being smart, it’s about helping others hear what you really mean when you speak.”

  

  Hop forward a few years and you’ll find the reality of language has shaped my life more than many other realities. So let’s look at the inverse. The reason for this post is the fascinating trend in the English language for persons to formulate a new word or phrase that has no meaning but vanity or humor. A few examples from urban dictionary:

  • On fleek – meaning something that is just PERFECT.
  • Bae – Before anyone else. Likely referring to your significant other.
  • Can’t even – when something happens that you can’t even handle it.
  • Ratchet – something that is poor in taste or not classy.
  • Swerve – denying, rejecting and non-subtly dodging a request.
  • And the oh so famous YAAAS – an enthusiastic ‘yes’ however the amount of As in the middle determine your level of excitement.

  

  Why are we seeking language that says something without actually saying what we mean? Why has texting surpassed the desire to hear someone’s voice? Why has the urban dictionary been recently gaining preference over Webster’s dictionary?

   

  Quite frankly it’s because we are trying to swerve intimacy . . . . Echoing our first parent’s experience of shame, we are now afraid of people looking at us. Language has taken a character of not communicating what we truly desire to he heard, but instead points focus to the humor of the anti-words that have been formed.

  

  And even though languages may evolve with the generations, there is one language that will never change.

   

  “According to the prophetic texts, the human body speaks a ‘language’ of which it is not the author. Its author is man who, as male or female, as bridegroom or bride, correctly rereads the meaning of this ‘language.’”. . . . . “By the words of the new spouses, the ‘language of the body,’ reread in truth of its spousal meaning, constitutes the union-communion of persons.” TOB 105:2-3

   

  One of the things that Bill Donaghy shared in our TOB 1 course was the meaning of sarcasm. The etymology literally means to separate flesh and instead of using the occasional sardonic (mocking) remark, we as persons have become a society of sarcasm . . . separation . . . ambiguity . . . anti-intimate.

   

  This has become true in our spoken and unspoken language. In my experience I’ve learned that a lot of problems are the effect of either too little or miscommunication. We’ve become a people that function without intentions. This is true in business, politics, and most importantly . . . relationships.

   

  “You can say that you always were honest, and your words were clear from the start. But it’s more than just words that got spoken . . . there was language of the heart . . . but you’re speaking an unspoken language I thought that you knew.” David Wilcox, Language of the Heart

   

  This is one of my favorite themes in our Beloved Pope Saint’s writings, especially because the “Language of the Body” is the remedy for all of our aches and pains. The language of the body is the language of love. Making a gift of yourself for the good of another is the medicine to heal the wounds of sarcasm and separation we’ve all experienced.

  

  Now I’m not advocating that you cease all joking or picking at your friends. But what I am advocating is we all need to do a better job of communicating in all conversations, verbal and non-verbal. Simple analogy, but if you didn’t know a country’s language and decided to live there, would you be able to communicate effectively? Most likely not. With this in mind, we need to be intentional about learning to speak the language of our bodies in truth.

   

  Instead of using anti-words in jest when communicating serious realities, we need to re-learn the language of the true Word. God made man. Word made flesh. The language of “this is my body given for you.”

  

  If we take the advice of the wise John Mayer and “say what you need to say”, we can continue on our journey to the promised land where there, and only there, will our communication be . . . on fleek . . .

  Posted in General Discussion | 0 Comments

• Last week I was threatened.

  Posted at 4:29 am by colbytallen, on May 4, 2016

  

  Last Friday evening was a beautiful one. While waiting for a friend to get off work I decided to walk the levee near downtown Baton Rouge. Like most downtown metro areas, BR has performed some major remodeling to beautify this part of the city. However even with the efforts to clean and restore the dirty run down buildings and streets, there is still the presence of the undesirable. Whether you look upon those who have no place to live, or even feel subconscious cultural racism toward those who are not the same heritage or economic class as you – the feeling of being threatened from something other than your comfort is very easy to well against your sense of security.

   

  At a particular spot the scene was awe-inspiring. As the barges navigated down the river you could catch an early glimpse of the sunset beyond the bridge above the port. The mixture of color, engineered structure, horn sounds, and cool breeze was enough to call me to stop and gaze.

  

  While walking to some benches seeking a place to sit and enjoy the scenery, I noticed some other people walking around and a group of guys fishing at the river. Thinking to myself “I won’t be long, hopefully no one will notice me and try to approach.” Not being there a minute, I noticed one of the guys who was fishing start to walk toward the levee. I calmly watched him from the corner of my eye praying “Lord, I want to take in this scene that you so graciously made, don’t inspire that guy to approach me because I really would be uncomfortable.”

   

  Well of course a few seconds after voicing my desire, the guy sees me sitting on the levee and revises his course straight to me. “GREAT, enjoying this is now ruined, and on top of it this guy is probably coming hit me up for money. Do I go back to my truck and leave? Prep to defend myself if he is aggressive?” Immediately my risk manager brain starts planning escape routes and ways to defend myself if this guy comes at me unfavorably.

   

  “HEY, YOU FISH??” he yells while approaching. “Not really, I haven’t been in a long time.” A simple response hoping he’ll walk by. “MAYN I just had a catfish this BIG break my M**F** LINE” while he puts his hand on my waist from the ground to show how large the fish was. By this point I was already in an open position and defense ready if he tried to touch me again, sizing him up and keeping eye on my truck.

   

  He wasn’t homeless, he wasn’t truly threatening me – he was simply a dirty uneducated man that didn’t fit my zone of normal social interaction. But my perception was to feel threatened because this experience was contrary to what I wanted.

   

  He then proceeded to be amazed that I haven’t been fishing in a long time, and started recommending bait to catch the big ones. It wasn’t long before he started spilling his life story about how his cousin was murdered in front of him, his gift for seeing deceased relatives and the messages they tell him, the time he gave a lady $5 and she won $100K at the casino with that bill. The whole time he wouldn’t stand still, and kept walking around me – needless to say it didn’t help my internal posture of defense.

   

  After a thousand MFs and his crazy stories of seeing dead people, he went on his way toward his truck as he shouted “AIGHT MAYN, I’LL CATCH YOU LATAH.” I shouted back “what’s your name?!” . . . he waved back and yelled “CLYDE . . . M**F**!!”

   

  See the thing is we are constantly surrounded by strangers, by people we don’t know or have reason to trust. Something I always make effort to do is learn people’s names when I interact with them, few things are more “personal” than been called by your name. And that right there is I think the trick to breaking our constructed bubbles of social norm. We need to see people as people, not a means to our social security, or competition for economic status, or outsiders to what we say the world should be like.

   

  Before people are poor, uneducated, dirty, or undesirable – they are people. Economic , hygienic, or any form of degraded status does not equate to a degraded status of their humanity. This is the primary reason saints like Mother Teresa, John Bosco, Maximilian Kolbe, and others were so effective in their ministry – because they saw people before poverty.

  

  Later that evening my friend and I attended a social at another friend’s home. My entire demeanor was different. Instead of being on guard, it was easy for me to walk up to a person I never met before to ask their name and lead into personal conversation.

   

  Even at one point one young lady and I conversed about intentionality in gazing into someone’s eyes. While gazing into her beautiful eyes and warm smile it was easy to converse about the positive effects, the intimidation and people shying away, and the necessity for intimacy. About how we all seek the “peace of the interior gaze” from another person. TOB 13:1. To know and be known.

  

  What was different about this situation? I didn’t know anyone other than the friend that brought me. The only difference was my own prejudice.

   

  Having that conversation with that young woman convicted me to reflect and take ownership of the reality, that most of the time, the people we desire the least to offer our peaceful gaze are the ones who may need it the most.

   

  After reflecting on it, I realized that Clyde wasn’t threatening me, he just wanted to give me fishing tips and tell me crazy stories about his life. He needed someone to look at him with peace and listen to what he wanted to share.

   

  Now I don’t recommend going under bridges and gazing intently at people you don’t know, but what is being recommended – don’t dismiss communing with people just because they aren’t in your normal communion.

   

  Pulled from context, but a line from TOB states “through the same words of Genesis 2:23, the new consciousness of the meaning of one’s body. This meaning, one can say, consists in reciprocal enrichment.” TOB 9:5.

   

  In his days prior to being the pontiff, Karol Wojtyla wrote of personalism “Such love is directed in a special way toward other persons, for in them we find an object commensurate with ourselves. True love, the kind of love of others worthy of a human person, is that in which our sensory energies and desires are subordinated to a basic understanding of the true worth of the object of our love.” Person and Community, P. 172-173

   

  So in a nutshell, what is personalism? Acknowledging and affirming the personhood of another. Having respect (etymology to peer, look intently) for their possessed value of being a human person; understanding their personhood not for what they do for you, but for what they are. We are human beings, not human doings.

  

  Now one can say that identity can be based from a person’s actions toward you. You know your father because he does fatherly actions, you know your friend because they perform friendly actions/deeds, you know your teacher because they teach. However the fundamental value comes first in that the actions are inspired from the relationship with the other person. Your father does fatherly things because he is your father, your friend is inspired to do friendly things because they are your friend.

   

  The relationship is where the root of identity lies. Hence our fear of people who are unknown, the reason we do not instantly respect their value, and we do not feel compelled to respond in love as Wojtyla described. We do not have relations with strangers.

   

  What inspired me to ease my composure with Clyde was that he looked me in the eye, he took time to share fishing tips. Even though I didn’t feel it – he took time to love me. Although I didn’t feel safe because of my own prejudice, he treated me like a human being.

   

  So yes, I did feel threatened. Except performing an examination of conscience helped me to realize it wasn’t my safety that was threatened, it was my failure in being moved to love another person.

   

  Blessed Teresa of Calcutta, St. Maximilian Kolbe, St. John Bosco – Pray for us.

   

  This genre of music may not be everyone’s taste, but at least read the lyrics.

  Ghosts, August Burns Red lyrics

  Posted in General Discussion, Life Updates | 0 Comments

• Born to Build a Home. Calloused Hands and Stubborn Pride.

  Posted at 4:01 am by colbytallen, on April 20, 2016

  

  Alright. This one may be a little sporadic and LONG, but it’s very personal . . . so stick with me. Yes it’s about romance and pain, the general threads of human motivation, but mostly what motivates me through life.

  Normally I would put the video at the end, but hopefully the song will put you in a better place of receptivity to what I desire to share. This is from Mike Mangione, the song is titled “Born to Build a Home” so take a few minutes to listen and take in what he sings about.

  Why this song? Pride and humility. Strength and weakness. Giving and receiving. Work and rest. All of these paradoxes can be seen through an idea that was/is a tradition. To be frank (while still being myself) the idea that a man should have his act together in order to be seen as a man. That he should have a plan and place so that he can invite his bride to join him, cling to him.

  For those who know me, know that I’m not a huge fan of pork. If it’s in the main dish I’ll eat it, but if there is another option usually that is what I prefer. When people ask me why, normally I respond “because I’m half Jewish.” Confusion sets in because of course I’m kidding, but the underlying is that there are many scriptural traditions that I think are wonderfully romantic – and they’ve given me inspiration on some key ways to be a solid man. Some ways, very counter-cultural.

  One of those Jewish traditions happens to be that before the wedding ceremony was completed the bridegroom would go and build a home for his beginning family. He would walk away from his lady with the departing words of “I’m going to build a house for you, and not coming back until it’s done.”   I’m not a woman, so I don’t know. But ladies, if a guy walked up to you and said “I want to build a house for you and our future kids with my own two hands” . . . how would that make you feel?

   

  From Dr. Brant Pitre in Jesus the Bridegroom, The Greatest Love Story Ever Told he writes :

  “In ancient Jewish tradition, one of the duties of the bridegroom was to prepare a home for his bride, so that when the wedding was finally consummated he could take her from her own family and bring her to live with him and be a part of his family in his father’s house. As modern Jewish scholar Schmuel Safrai says: “The groom would go out to receive the bride and bring her into his house; in fact the wedding ceremony was essentially the groom’s introduction of the bride into his house.” Page 117

   

  He then goes on to reference a few more traditional Jewish writings and scripture to support this masculine mission. Eventually it culminates with Jesus when he says to the Apostles He’ll go to prepare a place for them in His Father’s house, and then bring them to Himself. John 14:2-3. If you don’t have this book, go buy it right now and feel free to browse (and purchase) some of the other great materials:

  http://store.catholicproductions.com

   

  Why is this tradition such a big deal? Because it’s practically never practiced today. DISCLAIMER: I’m not saying the following is bad, just an observation. However it seems that either because of cohabitation and change in economic conditions for housing and young people – but people are getting married much older and many times do not decide to buy a house until they are married and choose where they want to live.

  This is why I wanted to be different, and where my pride partially took the helm. Part of this came from a conversation about finances with a young woman I was dating, but practically ever since I was 16 years old my parents formed me to pay for my own expenses. True story, I was essentially working full time before 18 and paying my own car insurance, gas, etc.

   

  Our conversation ended up being us discussing how much money we had in the bank; being her parents paid for everything, she had exponentially more than me. After that I started scrutinizing where my money went, and discovered the bulk of it went towards monthly rent. At twenty-two years old I decided that I would never rent again and starting making a plan to purchase my first home. If I was going to pay so much for something, I wanted to keep some of the value – but also begin to form a stable foundation for my future family.

   

  That conversation ended up leading to others and eventually the relationship was ended, which in turn inspired me to make another decision. At the time it was very difficult for me to invest in more than one big task (finishing college, local full time mission work, and dating). So the second vow was made: I wouldn’t consider dating again until I had my ducks in a row. Was it extreme? Yes, but for me needed to be made. If I wasn’t in a place to respectfully discern marriage – why play the game?

   

  When the decision was made to move to Lafayette and go back to school, the house shopping began. I developed my financial plan and pitched it to the “Bank of Parents” a.k.a. Mom and Dad as investors. They accepted and we set up a plan that would be beneficial for them and me. Because I was only 23 (working less than 35 hours per week) no bank would let me sign for a mortgage. My parents purchased the house and we set up legal documentation that transferred financial responsibility to me with sole rights to the deed once the loan was paid.

  At twenty-three years old I was paying a mortgage note.

  Fast forward through a bunch of other details, it worked very well. I’ve since sold the first one and bought my second home (this time without the Bank of Parents as investors, WOO!).

  This home is wonderful. Small, old, giant oak tree, horses in the back yard, great sunrise view, wonderful neighbors, and of course a picket fence.

  My plan was working. Financially, dating fast (yes really) career wise, everything has fallen into place.

  Once every other part of the plan seemed to be on course, I started praying and discerning again to start dating. Made sense? It was part of the plan? My romantic side started to swell and reminded me of Ally and Jonah in The Notebook. His dream was to buy the old house, fix it up, and they would live together there. Just like (sortof) the Jewish tradition of the Bridegroom building a home for his Bride. I started to feel like Noah (except the house I bought was in great shape and doesn’t need drastic remodeling . . .). ANYWHO.

  I had the house! Now all I had to do was find the woman, woo her with some smooth/corny lines, and invite her to join me in the home I prepared. Simple enough?
  I thought the mere fact that I owned a house would be enough to make a woman melt and want to join together for a life of love in Lafayette. The happiest city in the country.

  

  WRONG. Then I began to notice a trend, this is where my pride started to hurt.

   

  DISCLAIMER: I’m not saying the following observations are wrong, just something that caught my attention because it’s the exact opposite of what I have been working to build.

  • My cousin has moved to Minnesota where his wife is from.
  • My roommate moved from New York to Louisiana to be close to the woman he was pursuing.
  • My cousin’s husband moved from North Dakota to be close to her.
  • Another friend’s fiancé is moving from Florida to join her in New Orleans.

   

  . . . the guy moved to be close to the girl.

   

  Now yes. I understand that we in the United States are not ancient Jews and there are huge cultural and social differences. Blah blah blah. What I’m asking is what happened to make it normal for a man to no longer strive to build his own? Back in the day, when we used to have agrarian communities, you couldn’t even have a family unless you could run a farm or build your own home.

  Again quoting Jesus The Bridegroom:

  “The Torah has thus taught a rule of conduct: that a man should build a house, plant a vineyard, and then marry a wife. Similarly declared Solomon in his wisdom, “Prepare your work without, and make it ready for you in the field; and afterwards build your house” Proverbs 24:27 “Prepare your work without” – that is, a dwelling-place; “and make it ready for you in the field” – that is, a vineyard; “and afterwards build your house” – that is, a wife. (Babylonian Talmud, Sotah 44a)     In contrast to modern-day weddings, in which a couple will often get married and then pool their resources in order to buy a home or apartment, in the first-century Judaism, it was the duty of the bridegroom to go and prepare a place for his bride to dwell before he took her to himself.”   Page 117

   

  Echoing the reflection in Mike’s song. Men, you are born to build a home. http://mikemangione.com/track/739545/born-to-build-a-home?feature_id=159834

   

  Does that mean if you don’t put up the framework yourself that you are less of a man? No. but what it does mean is we as men, husbands, future husbands, fathers, and future fathers need to quit being passive and start being men of action.

   

  Your namesake and very existence proves there were men before you who labored laying the next step on the stairway in the legacy of your family, and by your vocation as a man you are to do the same.

   

  Regardless of what modern sociology touts, and what seems to be off-putting, there is a right order to the family unit – and the man is destined to be priest, prophet, and king of his home.

   

  So here’s where the pride and prejudice shows up. I’ve left my father and mother, labored, set a cornerstone, however none of my invitations to join me on this journey have been accepted (hence I’m still single).

  Have I been a perfect man? Nope. Have I been lazy in my efforts to pursue a woman? Yes. My confession to you is I thought if I did all the other hard work first, that everything else should be easy. And boy have I been wrong.

  Don’t get me wrong, I have been on dates, I have pursued (half-hearted to some extent) women recently. However one thing I’ve been firm, that has been a hindrance to part of my effort is the pride I hold in what I’ve worked to build.

  My crashing nights of working long hours, going back to school non-traditionally, being at break even for years because I’m sacrificing for the future – to me would all feel in vain if I had to walk away from it because the women I’ve met and been interested in have little to no interest in moving.

  The frustration of efforts comes from an observed paradox within modern romance. Women desire a man who is decisive, has direction, has an active role in being a leader and invite her to join him in great adventures. However men today are the ones moving across the country so she can be close to her family? a.k.a. he has permission to join her in her current life to be absorbed as a passive part of her family?

   

  This seems like a lament, and it is. However the conflict (and beautiful reality) within my heart is also what motivates a man to act. Woman.

  • What motivated me to get my G.E.D. after quitting high school to start community college? A woman.
  • What motivated me to leave New Roads and move to Thibodaux? A Woman.
  • What motivated me to move for Lafayette, go back to school and pursue a real career? A woman.
  • What motivated me to build/buy a home? A woman.
  • What motivates me to fast and pray continually? A woman.
  • What motivates me to do things I would not normally do? A woman.

   

  What is the only evidence of that love? Action. Making a gift of yourself for their good. So I understand why my friends are moving across the country to be with the one they love, but it’s damn hard for me to accept that I would be called to do the same. Unwilling? Not necessarily. Pride? Absolutely.

   

  I’ve made so many changes for women in my life that concluded in vain result, so in effort of protection, it’s partly fear that fuels my pride and my resistance to huge change again. Do I practice what I preach? Yes and no. Have I fallen short in proving my love through action. Yes.

  Do I want to be like Christ, to have prepared a place for you? Absolutely. Do I guarantee that if you accept my gifts of sacrifice your life will be awesome? Absolutely. It doesn’t mean you will never see your family again, if anything I want to be a part of your family.

  But I was born to build our home. What I am asking is that you trust me in what I’ve worked so hard to give you. You motivate me. You move me. You inspire me to act. What I am asking is that we can make our own family with the name given to me by my father. That name is now mine, will one day be yours, and one day our children’s.

  Enough sappy stuff. Ladies let your men be men. Men, when the opportunity arouses your call to be a man – be that man. Build that home.
  Resources and recent inspiration:

  Dr. Brant Pitre. Jesus the Bridegroom, The Greatest Love Story Ever Told.

  Mike Mangione, musical artist.

  Maccabee Society men’s group. Do Women Desire the Patriarch? Maccabee Society

  Posted in Dating / Relationships, General Discussion, Life Updates | 0 Comments

• Battle Scars

  Posted at 1:15 am by colbytallen, on April 14, 2016

  

  Battle scars.

  If you have ever read (or at least heard of) the book by John Eldridge, Wild at Heart, he says there are three key missions within a man’s life.

  • A battle to fight.
  • An adventure to live.
  • A beauty to defend.

  The main thread of this book is to help men discover their call to excellence by tapping into these innate desires deep within our masculine hearts. Along with this title, there are many more examples of leaders challenging men to live a life of purpose. When you look at top lists of books or programs in the realm of motivation, there is one word that can sum up what it means to be a human seeking excellence. Action.

  This one word can be unfolded in a multitude of meaning. For the sake of this article those unfoldings will be tabled for another writing. The purpose of this post is to reflect on the resistance to action, the struggle of action, but mostly the evidence of action.

   

  I can recall memories as a young man growing up how when a group of guys would gather we would all exchange exciting stories. Jumping our bikes over homemade ramps, filling super soakers with soapy water to exterminate wasps, how many bases we stole in the last game; it was always a competition to see who engaged in the most exciting battle that week. However it seemed to always turn to comparing and examining newly acquired wounds and scars. The cut leg from the ramp collapsing, the several wasp stings, and the scraped knees from all the sliding into bases.

  

  As young boys it was a sense of pride to have the coolest scar, the one that made your friends stop and say “WHOOAA” as they looked in awe. Pride because the evidence of the action you engaged, the battle you fought, the pain you endured.

  Fast forward a few years (or a few more) as we become adults, when it comes to non-physical wounds and scars, the inverse is true. Practically every effort is expended to keep them not known by our peers, family, sometimes even our significant other. Instead of boasting of the evidence of our action, we feel a status of shame that we must cover it up.

  Pulling a few small parts from the text of Man and Woman He Created Them: “. . . shame is not only one of man’s original experiences, but is also a ‘boundary’ experience. . . if we take as a point of reference the experience of shame as it is clearly presented in the ancient biblical text, namely, as a ‘threshold’ experience. TOB 11:4-6

  Then fleshing out in a little more depth:

  “In the experience of shame, the human being experiences fear in the face of the ‘second I’ (thus, for example, woman before man), and this is substantially fear for one’s own ‘I.’ With shame, the human being manifests ‘instinctively,’ as it were, the need for the affirmation and acceptance of this ‘I’ according to its proper value.” TOB 12:1

  What is this “boundary experience” of which he writes? The “threshold experience” of which he writes? Very simply the natural tendency we have to guard or protect ourselves from those who we fear would not accept us according to our proper value.

  Too many times we have an experience of pain that we suffer with a vain endurance. Keeping a mindset that either others would either not understand nor seek to be empathetic toward our need for healing. What is a contributing factor to this mindset? I believe it’s the false doctrine that people believe all pain is bad, and suffering should be avoided at all expense.

  This has even manifested itself into the emotional realm with the movement of filtered speech, the ridiculousness of developing “safe space”, the mere idea that one should not even be subject to the potential of distress from opposing or offensive force. (be on the lookout for a future post on the idea of being offended and the criminalization of discrimination).

  Christ was tempted, wounded, scarred, mocked. If we are called to love as He loves, be prepared for the same treatment. “For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. 1 Peter 2:21

  

  Take ownership of your pain, and I don’t mean ownership as responsibility for the reason of the pain. Ownership in that statement is meant to convey acknowledgement of where you are, and the actions you need to engage to bring healing.

  In our beloved Pope Saint’s writings, the idea of shame is effected from fear that we will not be loved in our broken and scarred state. If the scars we have are too ugly to be looked upon, in what then can we have hope?

  “Hurt so good, come on baby make it hurt so good. Sometimes love don’t feel like it should, you make it hurt so good.” John Mellencamp, Hurts So Good.

  Here is the thing. If you have scars or wounds that says something about you. It says that you are a fighter. You are willing to engage in battle. And the fact that you are still walking around shows that you have survived! We should almost have the same sense of pride from our wounds and scars as we did when we were kids. Why? Because it is a sign of virtue, your character, your courage, your ability to take pain. The evidence that you were trying to work for something good, and you experienced resistance along the way.

  This past weekend we hosted an engagement party for my roommate and his fiancé. Myself and one other guy cooked most of the meat for the I Do BBQ, and while putting something in the oven to keep it warm, my hand brushed the rack. It left a pretty nasty burn which has scarred.

  When people ask me all concerned “what happened?!” my first answer is “we had a party for some friend’s engagement, and it was amazing!” Eyes on the prize.

   

  One of the best scenes in the movie Rocky happens when he is speaking with his son. “It ain’t about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!” https://youtu.be/uyTAfX7cniI

  Plain and simple, a reality we all know but I hope this reflection brings it a little more importance to you. Christ’s resurrected body still had the wounds, still had the main scars of the struggle he endured. The evidence of how hard he was hit and kept moving forward.

   

  It’s in acknowledging the pain that we learn how to improve our journey forward. In my own profession, this is how risk managers help companies grow. They look at past claims and trends to see the faults or weaknesses in safety so they can be addressed or improved. After burning my hand on the oven (for the umpteenth time), I’ll try to be more cautious next time . . .

  However acknowledging pain is much different than resting in the pain. How successful would Christ have been in his efforts if he focused his effort on his wounds VS keeping his eyes on the top of the hill? Not that they are comparable, but how successful would my cooking efforts have been had I stopped to wallow about my hand instead of getting back to the grill and monitoring the burgers?

  How much love can you invest into your future relationships if you are constantly living in the pain of past relationships? How much can you excel your job performance if you focus solely on one criticism from your boss VS listening and using those words to find ways to improve?

   

  St. Paul writes “If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness.” II Corinthians 11:30

   

  Terrible example I use with highschoolers, but a perfect example. In the movie Eight Mile, Eminem’s character Rabbit, has been trying to make it as a rapper. The movie ends with this underground rap battle between him and a rival gang.

  Prefacing the main point. What is one of the main tactics for rappers, or anyone who is trying to tear someone down? Point out their weaknesses, their faults, their failures – make them feel bad for the ways they fell short. This is what the accuser does, he accuses to bring up a sense of shame. Makes you feel bad about your life so they can feel good about theirs.

  After tearing them all down one by one, Rabbit finally gets to the final round with his rival. They have a personal history and this guy knows everything on him. So what does Rabbit do? After some silence he stuns everyone by not trying to rip up his rival, but he starts to rap about himself. He slings everything that the other guy was planning on using against him – so when he throws the microphone to his rival . . . he is speechless. The accuser had nothing to accuse of him or to make him feel guilty.

  While his opponent is defeated, Rabbit walks off stage in victory with the motivation to make his life better. Everything he has ever felt ashamed of, was now brought to the light and he could move forward.

  Even as adults, to be scarred is to be looked upon as abnormal. Those who appear not to be scarred often mock or exhibit sarcasm in order to bring attention to those that are different. But you know what?

  The “proper value” that our beloved Pope St. wrote of exists whether or not the people you encounter offer empathy or sarcasm. As long as it is a just cause, rejoice in the wounds you have because they show the strength of your character and the motivation you possess to fight the battles that are worth fighting.

  Now let’s hop back to that “threshold experience” of which he wrote. It takes courage to allow another person to experience what you may consider ugly about yourself. How many times do we say “if you really knew me you wouldn’t love me” when the inverse is true! To love someone is to know them! One of my favorite movies is “The Painted Veil.” because it shows the struggle of two lovers who refuse to reveal themselves. It isn’t until they both are willing to open up and remove the veil (literally) that they see one another.

  It’s in this unveiling where we allow the true “me” to be seen. In a world full of selfies and narcs, and how many times we shout to the world “look at me!” it’s truly puzzling how little we actually allow others to see. Using prudence, allowing others into the threshold of your inner courts can be a beautiful gift.

  The word “authentic” seems to be a buzz, and it’s contiguous with the closing thought of this post. Authentic shares root with another strong word – Author. If the author is the one who places all the parts in a story for it to be complete, it would make sense that to be authentic we must accept all pieces of our life story – scars and all.

  Next time you are feeling ugly or held down, don’t be afraid to be loved.

  Posted in General Discussion, Life Updates | 0 Comments

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